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Нурлан Сабуров ПРИНЦИПЫ 2024 — Transcript

by Нурлан Сабуров · 10,445 words · 1,793 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:44Good evening, Astana!
0:53Friends, they already told you a couple
0:55of rules, but there are always some
0:57idiots.
1:04The first rule: don't record on your
1:06shitty phones.
1:10The second rule, for those who don't
1:11give a damn about the first one: don't
1:13post it.
1:16Or do you want to see me in every
1:17scandal, sitting in the same cell as
1:19Ivleeva and Grigory Toreali?
1:22Enough.
1:25Let me say from the start, I don't
1:27recommend the States.
1:40They were so pissed at me, as if
1:42Shoigu’s stand-up was an anime.
1:47There must have been a lot of
1:48misunderstandings since many thought I
1:49started the "special operation." It
1:51wasn’t me, for fuck’s sake.
1:54I wasn't at the meeting.
1:58In the States, they were shouting at me
1:59: "Tell them in Russia."
2:02In Russia, they wouldn't rent me an
2:03apartment for years, but now I'm
2:05supposed to give orders.
2:07When it's convenient, but here I am, the
2:09[ __ ] "opinion leader."
2:19So much hate was thrown my way. One
2:21comment, I saved it. It says: "Burn in
2:23hell, you [ __ ]."
2:29I don't know, maybe they confused me
2:30with Guram.
2:32Or this, when people write to me: "You
2:34won't be able to just sit this one out.
2:35"
2:36Actually, it’s [ __ ] easy to do.
2:38Never mind me, look at Djigan, he’s just
2:41chilling. I honestly think, no joke, he
2:43still has no idea what’s going on.
2:48People write to his DMs, he can't read,
2:49so he’s just like this.
2:55What is this, Sobchak, the [ __ ] horse
2:56,
2:58sticking her nose into everything.
3:00Not a single Kazakh would have ridden
3:02that horse, I’m sure.
3:05Stop recording, I see you crafty
3:06[ __ ] on the balcony too.
3:17Don’t you understand, if I slip up and
3:19say something wrong, they’ll put me in
3:21jail.
3:22They’ll definitely [ __ ] me, don’t you
3:24get it?
3:27They probably don't respect people like
3:28me in there.
3:32I’ll be sitting on the toilet there.
3:43After what happened, I decided to work
3:45on myself, so I started drinking.
3:48It’s a classic trap—a glass of wine.
3:51And a second later, I'm completely
3:52wasted.
3:54I’m sitting in Moscow, wanting to call a
3:55designated driver. I go to the site, it
3:57says "we only have Slavic drivers, no
3:59Ravshans or Jumshuts." I call, and she
4:01asks: "What’s your name?" I say: "
4:03Nurlan." She’s like:
4:06I searched for a long time, and finally
4:07, Marat arrived.
4:09Get it? They sent a little Tatar to me.
4:11They thought, he’ll find common ground
4:13with us and with them, right? He’ll talk
4:14in his own language, convert his
4:16chucheryuks, for fuck’s sake, into
4:17rubles and settle with us.
4:19I even heard when she was like: "Who?
4:21Nurlan, some Nurlan, whose Ali-Baba from
4:23Chai-Manjara is that?" Lyutka is telling
4:26the story.
4:28Oh, that was in Egypt. Alright, pull
4:30Maratik out from under the cheburek.
4:33At the same time, I believe there is no
4:34chauvinism in Russia. In Russia,
4:35everyone is treated the same. I mean, it
4:37doesn't matter if you're a redhead,
4:38you're just a red-headed dick, you know
4:39?
4:40Bearded guy, shut your trap, smart guy,
4:43get lost, right? In that sense, everyone
4:45is equal.
4:48The only thing is, I’ve noticed an
4:49attitude. I live outside of Moscow, in a
4:51gated community. And those neighborhoods
4:53are divided into two types. The first
4:54ones have English names, you know, very
4:56pretentious.
5:00That's the full name.
5:02You need a Schengen visa just to get in
5:03there.
5:05And the second type are those very
5:07Russian ones— "geese and swans,"
5:09wide-open souls. That’s the kind I live
5:11in. And in my neighborhood, the snow is
5:13cleared by guys—well, you know where
5:15they're from, right?
5:17Not Romanians.
5:21Every time I go for a walk with my dog,
5:23they look at me like,
5:27"Grab a shovel, have you lost your mind
5:28?"
5:34And I'm walking a pug.
5:38I’m even picking up his poop, and they
5:39look at me like, "Do you think we’re
5:41going to steal it?
5:44Look, Aibek took a dump over there, go
5:45clean that up too."
5:48And they see that I live in the
5:49neighborhood, you know, that I drive a
5:51car. And every time they look at me as
5:52if I’ve betrayed them.
5:55I feel kind of ashamed in front of them
5:57. I mean, I can’t drive past them in my
5:59Jeep without them thinking, "That's life
6:01."
6:03Happy cleaning.
6:07I’m actually waiting for one of them to
6:09walk up to my wife one day and say, "
6:11The guy who cleans up after your dog,
6:15he drives your car."
6:27I’ve noticed that in Moscow, the
6:29attitude toward Central Asians is, well
6:30, mediocre.
6:33In Moscow, they treat Central Asians
6:35like minions.
6:37Walking around in crowds in yellow.
6:41Go on through.
6:42It just happened that way historically.
6:44I don’t know if you’ve heard that story
6:46about when Khrushchev was in power, he
6:48flies to Tashkent, Uzbekistan, goes out
6:50to the people, steps out into the square
6:53and says: "Dear Tajiks, you are great,
6:55unlike your neighbors the Uzbeks."
6:59Someone taps him on the shoulder and
7:00says: "These are Uzbeks."
7:01He says: "Dear Uzbeks, I couldn't care
7:03less." If someone had told me like that
7:05, "These are Uzbeks," I would have
7:06stayed frozen like that for the rest of
7:07my life.
7:08I wouldn't have turned anywhere else.
7:13By the way, in the fall of '22, I was in
7:14Kazakhstan on a concert tour. Remember,
7:16there were so many tourists from Russia
7:17?
7:18And, uh, yeah.
7:21A lot.
7:25A lot of people suddenly had "urgent
7:26business."
7:28Yes, some went to Kazakhstan, some to
7:30Kyrgyzstan. One dumb friend of mine went
7:32to Tatarstan.
7:38Says he got away.
7:43I realized from visitors that many still
7:44didn't, and didn't even know, what
7:46Kazakhstan was. Many thought that
7:48Kazakhstan was a bare steppe and a
7:49castle made of kryptonite.
7:53Because when they paid compliments, it
7:55was confusing, like they insulted you
7:56and praised you at the same time, it’s
7:57unclear. "Listen, I was in Almaty, I
7:59bought ice cream, normal ice cream."
8:03What did you think, we’d give you a
8:05horse’s udder?
8:08Or many understood our traditions that
8:09way. For example, ah, the kettle in the
8:12toilet isn’t for coffee.
8:21Someone just left it there.
8:27"So you wash your ass with that?"
8:30What a savage thing.
8:32But smearing [ __ ] all over your ass with
8:34paper—that’s not savage?
8:37We mean we do it at home, I don't mean
8:38walking into a restaurant in Moscow and
8:40using a public toilet, right in the sink
8:41, damn it.
8:45"Come on in—the sink is free."
8:47But the mirror thing you guys came up
8:49with is clever, for sure.
8:54The whole trip to the States didn't
8:55start off well at all.
8:57I approach the plane, and they tell me I
8:59have to put on a mask. Those Covid
9:00restrictions were still in place. I
9:01didn't have a mask, I was flying with a
9:03friend, and he says, "I'll go to the
9:04pharmacy and get a new one." And he
9:06gives me his,
9:09this filth. You know, it still remembers
9:12the first wave.
9:14I look at it—two yellow snot stains.
9:17You can see the coronavirus on it, damn
9:19, it looks at me like that guitarist
9:20from Mad Max, damn it.
9:23Plus you weren't allowed to take the
9:24mask off on the plane, so I start acting
9:26sneaky, pulling it off my nose, and the
9:27flight attendant immediately comes over
9:29—she’s annoyed but can't show it, so
9:30she’s like:
9:33"Put your mask on." I’d still take it
9:34off the moment she’d go sit somewhere,
9:36damn, on a window sill, damn it. There’s
9:38never a chair there, she just, damn,
9:39pressed herself against the wall, damn
9:40it.
9:41A lot of people are just pumped full of
9:43stuff and hold it in the whole flight.
9:47That’s also weird, she’s got one little
9:48safety strap, and she’s got 1,000.
9:53Part of the crew, part of the ship.
9:58She strapped in, and I didn't take my
9:59mask off at that exact moment, right in
10:01her eyes, damn it.
10:09Once, I’m flying in the toilet—oh, I’m
10:11flying in a plane, and
10:13I’m walking to the toilet. And a flight
10:14attendant pops out like: "Can we take a
10:16picture?" I say: "Maybe I can take a
10:17[ __ ] first?"
10:19Otherwise, the photo is going to be
10:21tense.
10:26I honestly don't understand why we stand
10:27in lines at airports.
10:29You know, when boarding is announced,
10:30everyone lines up, and there’s that
10:31first guy with his face pressed against
10:33the gangway.
10:36My friend tells me: "Well, the line is
10:37moving, we have to hurry." I’m thinking
10:38, it’s not moving that fast.
10:41Has everyone already flown off or what?
10:45Or when I was flying here, I swear, the
10:46plane is just coming in for a landing,
10:48the landing gear isn’t even down yet,
10:49and some guy in a fur coat with bags is
10:51already fully prepped.
10:53He’d even cracked the doors open.
10:57Everyone’s rushing to passport control.
10:59And they pretend they aren't rushing,
11:00but they’re just, you know, sort of—
11:04like when a mother abandons her daughter
11:05and just takes off running.
11:10I mean, at passport control, I’m always
11:12nervous, honestly.
11:13In Russia, for some reason, at customs
11:15or passport control, I make the most
11:16Slavic face possible.
11:19Don’t ask me how.
11:21I don’t mean I’m walking through holding
11:23an icon or anything, you know.
11:27Or in Kazakhstan, it’s weird too, when I
11:29hand over my passport, they’re so
11:30serious at first, then they see me and
11:31they’re like—
11:41I’m thinking, there’s glass between us,
11:43how did you even do that?
11:45But in Dubai, there isn't even an
11:46officer; it’s just a robot, you slide
11:48your passport in, and it says, "Look
11:49into the camera." Once, I’m looking into
11:50the camera like this, and it says—I
11:52swear— "Open your eyes."
11:58Am I that blown away, or what? And who
11:59am I supposed to complain to? I’m just
12:00standing there, trying to fix it.
12:04Am I supposed to wait until the scanner
12:06sucks the guy in, or what?
12:11And in the States, my English was at
12:12zero. I was still, you know, tossing out
12:14hope in the beginning.
12:22But you hesitate and you mess up.
12:25In the end, my wife and I, we were just
12:27two idiots walking around speaking in
12:29fake English.
12:30Everyone around us is chatting, and
12:31we’re just like, "Yeah, let’s go already
12:32."
12:35We were basically meowing at each other
12:36. One other time, I’m sitting in a
12:37restaurant in New York. Imagine this,
12:39and Margot Robbie walks right past me.
12:42You know that actress?
12:44Barbie, The Wolf of Wall Street. Once
12:46Upon a Time in Hollywood—she sits down
12:48at the next table.
12:49And I’m sitting there with my wife.
12:54And she’s there with her boyfriend,
12:55right, and we were pretending like we
12:56didn't want each other’s attention.
13:01I tell her, "Look, it’s Margot Robbie."
13:02She says, "Oh." I say, "The Wolf of Wall
13:04Street, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood."
13:05She’s like, "Ah."
13:08I’m thinking, "What the hell is that '
13:09ah'?"
13:11That "ah" is what Kairat Nurtas knows.
13:13That specific "ah."
13:17She’s so pretentious; five years ago in
13:19Egypt she was like, "Oh, holy crap!"
13:22Damn, and now she’s like—
13:25"Ah."
13:28She’s a completely different person when
13:30we’re abroad. She behaves so unnaturally
13:32.
13:33At home, she’s cursing me out, but
13:34abroad, she’s suddenly all European, you
13:36know, and she starts doing these weird
13:38gestures.
13:39I’m thinking, "Are you having a stroke,
13:40or what’s wrong with you?" Get it
13:41together already.
13:43And she buys everything when we’re
13:44abroad, she has no concept of numbers at
13:45all.
13:47She says, "In Moscow this costs 200,000
13:48, here it's 150." I say, it's Euros,
13:49damn it, do you even understand that?
13:53She says, I’ll just go into the store to
13:54look around. I keep an eye on her, and
13:55she’s already heading to the register
13:56with a bag.
13:57I feel a bit awkward arguing in front of
13:59foreigners, so I go up and say, "Put
14:02that back."
14:04And then the cashier switched to Russian
14:05. "If you take two, there’s a discount.
14:06" I’m thinking, what kind of crap is
14:08this, damn it?
14:09And my wife is like, "Oh, really?" Then
14:11just in Kazakh.
14:18And the cashier switched to Kazakh, I’m
14:20thinking, where are you even from, damn
14:21it, right?
14:24By the way, I recently had concerts in
14:26Dubai, Bali, and Thailand. My wife was
14:28like, "I’ll go with you to support you.
14:30"
14:33But for Kyzylorda, I had...
14:37I went there without any support.
14:42By the way, I have two kids with my wife
14:43.
14:44And, uh, yeah.
14:50My wife recently tells me, we need a "
14:52helper" nanny.
14:53I’m thinking, who the hell is that?
14:55A helper nanny, she says, you’re in the
14:57kitchen, grab me a beer.
15:04And we’re looking for a nanny now, and
15:06one nanny came to the interview with a
15:07boob job.
15:08And I don’t mind.
15:11My son is for it too.
15:14Even grandpa woke up.
15:16She says, if I have to, I can even crap
15:18myself.
15:24We’re just looking for a nanny now
15:26because, in my opinion, modern grandmas
15:28have lost their damn minds.
15:31They don't want to watch their grandkids
15:32.
15:32We recently wanted to have dinner with
15:34friends, with my wife. I say to my mom,
15:35"Can you watch the grandkids?" She says
15:37, "I have a nail appointment."
15:39I’m thinking, did they fall off, damn it
15:41, or what?
15:45And my wife asks her mom, and she just
15:46says, "I don't want to, damn it."
15:48I say, you’re a grandma, [ __ ], sit with
15:50the grandkids, you old woman.
15:57By the way, don't film this either.
16:01I’d rather get screwed in prison than at
16:03home.
16:13And when we were planning a family trip
16:14to Dubai, my mother-in-law was like, "
16:16I'll go with you and watch the grandkids
16:18."
16:21And here's what pisses me off every time
16:23I'm abroad. Our whole family didn't know
16:25English. And I’m embarrassed by my
16:27English every time, but at least I paid
16:30for all of this.
16:34We’re checking into a hotel. My wife
16:36says, "Go to the cafe and tell them we
16:37want to eat." Come on.
16:41I’m basically playing charades, like,
16:44yeah, how to eat.
16:46Huh? Me. Huh? My wife. Huh?
16:49My mother-in-law. Huh? I mean, the kids
16:52want to eat.
16:54I’m trying to do something like this. I
16:57turn to my family for a second, they’re
16:58all just standing there like meerkats.
17:07So, are we eating today or not?
17:15My mother-in-law tried to speak English
17:17there, but it looked terrifying.
17:23I came here to fight with the English
17:24language.
17:27I don’t know, maybe you’ve noticed,
17:28abroad, when they greet someone, they’re
17:29all like
17:33And my mother-in-law is like
17:36Why the hell are they all singing?
17:39Because nobody says "hello" like that
17:41back home.
17:43They only talk like that if they found
17:44something out about you.
17:51Like
17:54Hello, hello.
18:00Anyway, we got rid of that nanny with
18:02the fake boobs.
18:04And I don't want any others.
18:07I just put myself in my wife's shoes: if
18:09, I don't know, we hired a gardener who
18:11would come flying in like Tarzan,
18:12shirtless, and mowing the lawn with his
18:14glowing member.
18:21Why sit with these Who has kids? Give a
18:23round of applause if you have kids.
18:29How do you slack off with them? God damn
18:30it, it's just impossible.
18:32I love them, but they tire me—it's just
18:34You know, you know when you pull up to
18:35the house after work, you look in the
18:37window, and they’re like atoms, damn it
18:38, just bouncing all over the place.
18:42I’m never going in there.
18:46Because kids 'energy is just terrifying
18:48. They’re all like they're on coke or
18:50something.
18:57Even the dogs look at them, damn it.
18:59Relax, you hear me?
19:01Put your tongue back in.
19:04I swear, leave a kid at a water park for
19:07six months.
19:08You won't come back—wait, we're leaving
19:10already?
19:17You’ve got scales already.
19:20You’ve laid eggs, you idiot.
19:24Kids have insane energy, so I really
19:26don't understand why we're all so
19:29against child labor.
19:33Did anyone work as a kid? Anyone here?
19:34Give an applause.
19:36Yeah. You there, young lady.
19:38How old were you?
19:4014.
19:4014—that's basically childhood.
19:44I already had 5 years of experience,
19:45what are we talking about?
19:47What did you work as? What did you do?
19:49Sold meat pies and sold
19:51Sold what?
19:52Drug stashes.
19:53Oh, drug stashes. I got it.
19:56I got it.
19:58I personally worked on a pie-truck.
20:00No, I didn't live in a cartoon.
20:02Like, then I got a promotion, I worked
20:04on a pastry-plane, damn it. No.
20:08I delivered pastries, I worked in a
20:09pizzeria. I lived in Naples.
20:13And it's correctly pronounced "pizzeria
20:14," but we all said "pizzeria," because
20:16in Stepnogorsk, my hometown, if you
20:18correct someone’s stress, you’ll end up
20:20in the hospital.
20:25And our Russian teacher used to say: "
20:27Write it however you feel like, damn it
20:28."
20:33Leningraders with kids. The only thing
20:34is, I play FIFA on PlayStation with my
20:36son.
20:37But I give him a controller that’s not
20:38even plugged in, damn it, and
20:41he's 3 years old, he doesn't understand
20:43a damn thing, give him a controller,
20:44give him an eggplant, he doesn't get it
20:45at all.
20:47He's not the only one who doesn't
20:48understand. My wife thinks we’re
20:49watching actual football, damn it, so
20:55How are Leningraders with kids? In this
20:57regard, I admire kindergarten teachers.
21:00I honestly don't know what they're on.
21:04I mean, not a private kindergarten, but
21:06a public one with 1,000 kids in a group
21:08.
21:09Every time I wonder, how the hell does
21:11she get them to sleep?
21:13You've seen them, right? Lying there in
21:15rows. How does she do it?
21:17In the middle of the day, how the hell
21:18are they all sleeping?
21:21I feel like she lines them all up, grabs
21:23the wildest one, and just—
21:36"Well, we’re going to sleep now."
21:42Anyway, the kindergarten is cool. The
21:43only thing I remember is, there was this
21:45Maslenitsa event, and they invited
21:46parents.
21:47What did I think? I thought I’d come
21:49with my kids, we’d sit in the corner and
21:51watch the Slavic brethren having fun.
21:55I walk in, and my son is some sort of
21:57jester, my daughter bursts in like, "
21:59What the hell are you doing?"
22:02"Lyuli-lyuli," or whatever the hell
22:03you're supposed to say.
22:10Or in the yard, it’s weird with the
22:12Leningrad locals, this kind of situation
22:13. With my daughter, everything is fine,
22:15because she’s mixed, I’m mixed, everyone
22:17knows I’m her father.
22:18But when I’m with my son, he’s a redhead
22:21.
22:22He’s got big green eyes. He’s just some
22:24kid named Vitaly running around the yard
22:25.
22:26And when I yell at him, all the
22:27neighbors think, "Who is this guy?"
22:30"Why is he yelling at that Russian kid?
22:32"
22:34"He probably brought pizza, let him get
22:35lost." Right?
22:37He really is a redhead. I look at my
22:38wife, and she’s just like—
22:42And he still doesn't call me "Dad." He
22:43calls me "Uncle." Damn it, "Uncle."
22:46My wife says he’s saying it in English,
22:48like "Daddy."
22:51Soon he’ll walk up and say—
23:02"Get the hell out of here."
23:06And her parents tell me, "Over time,
23:07he'll start to look like you."
23:11Actually, it’s my parents asking me, "
23:12What’s going on, Nurlan?"
23:16"Over time, he’ll look like you." What
23:17are the odds that his eyes will narrow?
23:21Should I hit him every day or get him
23:22hammered?
23:24Or maybe put him on the sunniest,
23:26windiest side of the house so he turns
23:28into a [ __ ] by school?
23:33My wife also says, "Don't hit the kids
23:35every time." And she says, "You have to
23:37explain everything to kids." I agree,
23:39but the boy is three, he doesn't
23:40understand anything at all.
23:41He always walks around the house without
23:43underwear, always. He rejects underwear
23:45entirely.
23:46And not long ago, I was lying on the
23:48couch, he took a dump in the living room
23:51,
23:52grabbed the poop, and threw it at me.
23:59How do I explain to him
24:04that there are a ton of mistakes?
24:12I threw it back.
24:21And my own, mind you.
24:24It was like three kilos, I think.
24:27Gave the kid a concussion.
24:33The Leningrad local. Alright, with my
24:35own is one thing, but with others—I mean
24:38, my daughter’s friend comes over to
24:40visit. Such an unpleasant kid he’s
24:41growing up to be.
24:44Every single time he asks where we’re
24:45from.
24:49I think, should I get you high, damn it
24:50, or...And he constantly picks on my
24:51daughter, constantly pushing, pinching,
24:53hitting.
24:54And you can’t hit him, right? That’s why
24:55I’m teaching my daughter to hit back. I
24:57tell her, hit him right in the nose,
24:58until it bleeds.
25:01So, a couple of days pass, I’m watching
25:02them play. He starts pinching, pushing,
25:04and hitting again. She hits him right
25:06back in the nose, just like I taught her
25:07, but hits his Adam's apple instead.
25:11It was so [ __ ] awesome, to be honest
25:12.
25:16The best emotions.
25:18The funny thing is, the boy’s parents
25:19are amazing people. Both are kind,
25:21pleasant folks. And yet, such a little
25:23[ __ ] is growing up.
25:24Then his grandfather arrived, and I was
25:26like, oh, that explains everything.
25:28The grandpa turned out to be a racist.
25:29The grandpa points at me and talks to
25:31the parents like that. I can’t hear them
25:32, he’s like...
25:36Of course, they’re just...
25:54And I was standing right there, he’s
25:55pointing right at me, damn it.
25:58How hard it is to be a father, honestly
25:59.
26:00What is this, my son loves listening to
26:02kids' radio all the time.
26:03They have this segment where kids call
26:05in and, get this, show off their talents
26:07.
26:10On the radio.
26:12I can tap dance.
26:13And, goddamn it, I mean...and some girl
26:15calls in, and she has absolutely no
26:16talent. One girl calls.
26:18And the host says, "Hi, what’s your name
26:20?"
26:24"What’s your name?"
26:27"Katenka."
26:30"Hi, Katenka.""What can you do?""I can
26:33speak..."
26:36"Tongue twisters?""Yeah, yeah, yeah."
26:39No vowels, no consonants, damn it, you
26:41couldn’t understand a word.
26:43She was set on doing tongue twisters.
26:45And instead of the host hanging up, he’s
26:47like, "No, Katya, let’s hear your tongue
26:49twisters."
26:52And she starts...
26:58[ __ ] off, Katya, damn it, don’t ever
27:00call here again.
27:05If there are people here who want to
27:07become parents in the future, know this
27:09: you have to repeat everything to kids
27:11100 times.
27:12Especially the phrase "Go get dressed."
27:17Even though I wake up in the morning
27:18thinking—I am a father.
27:20I love them, I am calm.
27:24We’ll head to preschool now and
27:25everything will be fine.
27:27"Son, go get dressed."
27:31He went to the kitchen, damn it, just
27:32sitting there eating, and I’m thinking
27:33...
27:35I walk over, I say, "Go get dressed."
27:37It’s time, go get dressed.
27:3910 minutes pass, I can’t find him.
27:42What did he hide for? I say, "What are
27:43you doing?" He says, "We’re playing
27:44hide-and-seek." Nobody is playing
27:46hide-and-seek here right now, for [ __ ]
27:48sake.
27:49Go get dressed. He goes, damn it, and
27:51puts on his sister's tights. In the end
27:52, you dress him yourself, you know, when
27:54you dress them and give them a little
27:56smack.
27:57You know, when you've barely, goddamn it
27:58, pulled the pants up, like, put the hat
28:00on like
28:03And in the end you're driving in the car
28:04stressed, he's crying in the back, and
28:05that's for the sake of childhood, for
28:06childhood, dammit.
28:13And here's what strikes me—how hard it
28:15is to be a father and how easy it is to
28:17become one.
28:20You don't need anything at all.
28:22You just got a hard-on on a Tuesday,
28:23goddamn it, and that's it, you've got a
28:25son running around.
28:28I just noticed that people who struggle
28:30to conceive for a long time end up being
28:32the most responsible parents. I mean, "
28:3416 and Pregnant" has eight seasons, for
28:36god's sake, just imagine that.
28:37Has anyone here had sex in school?
28:39Anyone like that? Give it up for them.
28:44Absolutely.
28:46Okay, one person clapped. Yeah?
28:49Really? What grade were you in?
28:51Seventh grade.
28:52Seventh grade? Don't give me that
28:53[ __ ], man.
28:56Seventh grade?
28:58First grade, goddamn it.
29:01Right on September first, you get it?
29:07That's how it really went, right?
29:09An eleventh grader put a first grader on
29:11his shoulder, and put the principal on
29:12his face.
29:16In the seventh grade. With whom? With a
29:18boy, with a girl?
29:21Yeah? Or are you—judging by you, you
29:23look like a gym teacher, goddamn it.
29:26And the girls applauded?
29:28Of course.
29:30Although there was always that one
29:32little [ __ ] in every class.
29:36You know, when some guy shows up to see
29:37your classmate, and everyone's like, who
29:38? Dad's friend, goddamn it? What the
29:39hell is going on?
29:41It's just weird that she's getting laid
29:42at 16, and you're just standing there
29:43kicking your buddy's backpack, dammit.
29:47She's already there, dammit, "choke me
29:49with his towel," getting a sick thrill
29:50out of it, goddamn it.
29:56And you both finish.
29:59Now, why did I start talking about this
30:00? Some kid at kindergarten recently
30:02showed my daughter his wiener.
30:05My wife tells me: "Teach him a lesson."
30:08How? Show him mine?
30:13"Hey, come here and take a look.""Here.
30:15""And here's mine, goddamn it."
30:19And he's like, "Whoa," and you're like
30:24After that incident, I realized that we
30:26never talk to our parents about sex at
30:28all. Did anyone try talking to their
30:30parents about sex when they were kids?
30:32Any of those? Give it up.
30:33Yeah?
30:35Okay, this lady here. How old were you?
30:37I was
30:37I was 5 years old.
30:395 years old? And what the hell happened
30:41?
30:44At 5 years old, did you just walk into
30:45your parents 'room at night like, "Hey
30:47mom, dad, looks like we're gonna have a
30:48little chat, damn it?"
30:55"I'll be waiting in the hallway."
31:02I don't understand how you can discuss
31:04that with your parents. That's a family
31:05taboo, right? There's a huge fear of
31:07your parents, because everyone remembers
31:09that moment when the whole family is
31:10watching TV.
31:15As soon as the kissing scenes start,
31:16goddamn it, the tension in the room is
31:18so high.
31:22Grandma's practically ready to reach for
31:24the shotgun. Alright, [ __ ], nobody look
31:26.
31:28Face to the floor.
31:33I remember our remote didn't work, so my
31:34grandpa just, [ __ ], threw the TV out.
31:38Jumped out the window with it, too.
31:44Also, here's what I don't get about
31:45modern parenting.
31:47Why did we only just realize that
31:50hitting kids is bad?
31:55Why the [ __ ] does it end with my
31:57generation?
32:01It’s just...
32:06It’s just that when my mom plays with my
32:08kids, she’s so sweet.
32:12I look at her like, "Hey."
32:18"I know who you are."
32:24Though she even has a different voice.
32:25Turns out she knows how to talk like
32:27this.
32:28"Sit, little cutie, goo-goo, little
32:30cutie." I just get a flashback: "I’ll
32:32kill you, damn it!"
32:35But now she can do this.
32:39I’m curious, who here had strict parents
32:41? Any of you? Give me a clap.
32:43Yeah?
32:45How about you, miss?
32:46How did strictness show up in your
32:47family?
32:55Purely my kind of audience, [ __ ].
33:01And that’s just the front row, damn.
33:03Up on the balcony too?
33:11Did you have strict parents?
33:13No, not anymore.
33:16Okay, here's a question. Did you get
33:18beaten as a kid?
33:19No? No? Goodbye then. I said strict—who
33:21had parents that shot at them? Anyone?
33:26Okay. Did anyone get hit with a belt?
33:28Any of you? Yeah?
33:30Did your mom ever say, "Go get the belt
33:32"? Like, [ __ ], go get it yourself.
33:37Why do I have to be humiliated too?
33:43Alright, the belt. My mom once hit me
33:45with a spirit level.
33:50She wasn't even a construction worker. I
33:51have no idea where she even got that
33:52thing.
33:54But she hit me perfectly perpendicular.
33:57Because Grandpa was standing right there
33:58, goddammit. "A little more to the left
33:59."
34:04Did you ever get hit in your sleep?
34:06You know, waking up to a beating, when
34:07you’re...
34:09And Mom’s just like, "Fine, go back to
34:11sleep."
34:17In my family, it wasn't just my mom who
34:18hit me. Honestly, everyone in my family
34:20beat the [ __ ] out of me. I don’t get it
34:21. Even my aunt beat me up. I’m like, "
34:22Auntie, seriously, stay away from me."
34:25What kind of character is an aunt in a
34:27family, anyway?
34:28She only showed up when we were at the
34:29table and I was getting hit, [ __ ].
34:30That’s it.
34:32Or maybe they called her: "Hey, we're
34:33beating our kid today, come on over."
34:37The only one who didn't hit me was my
34:39grandpa. But Grandpa would stand up from
34:40his chair really fast.
34:41That was even scarier.
34:43"Go do something.""I don't want to, [ __ ]
34:45." No, that's it, I’m already gone,
34:46goddammit.
34:47I’m already on the other side of town, I
34:49already did everything.
34:52It’s scary.
34:53But the scariest part is when your mom
34:56runs at you.
35:03And you're just like...
35:13Where was I running to? To a one-room
35:14apartment, [ __ ]. Where am I even running
35:15?
35:22The funniest moment, you know, is when
35:24you’re growing up and slowly realize
35:26you’re already stronger than your mom.
35:30And she catches onto that vibe.
35:35Like she’s walking confidently, but in
35:36her eyes, there’s that look of:
35:41"Well, I'll give it a shot."
35:44And you just sit there calmly, just
35:46accepting it, damn it.
35:49Still doing the same old stuff, damn it
35:50.
35:57Yeah, it's weird that your mom hit you
35:59as a kid.
36:01Now, when I remind her of it, she’s like
36:03, "That never happened."
36:07"Who hit you?" You say, "Look, there's
36:09the scar all over my body."
36:12Then comes stage two: she says, "Do you
36:14know how they hit me when I was a kid?"
36:16What kind of stories are those? It turns
36:18out she died twice, apparently.
36:24And stage three is my favorite—it’s the
36:26guilt trip, where she’s like, "Yeah,
36:28yeah, you have a bad mother, go ahead,
36:29blame me, uh-huh."
36:31"I raised you poorly."
36:35And in the end: "I didn't beat you
36:36enough, you hear me?"
36:42My whole childhood was spent on edge.
36:44And those nerves got even worse when we
36:46were all getting ready for New Year's.
36:49You’d think it’s a holiday, but damn,
36:51everyone is just so tense.
36:53First of all, no matter what time you
36:54woke up on December 31st, you’d already
36:56missed everything.
36:58I remember getting beaten because I
36:59didn't cut an egg the right way. I’m
37:00thinking, should I give you mine or what
37:02? And my mother would be screaming all
37:04day, all day long.
37:07And then at 12:00, the chimes ring, and
37:08she’s like, "Oh, damn, family, family,
37:10damn.""Happy New Year."
37:12"Happy new happiness."
37:20My whole childhood was on edge, so I
37:22remember the first time I got into a
37:24calm family as a kid,
37:27I actually felt sick.
37:30Because we went to visit a classmate at
37:32his place, and his dad meets us and says
37:33, "Hi, son," and kisses him on the
37:35forehead. I’m like, "This is some
37:36unhealthy crap."
37:40"Is he screwing you? Tell the truth."
37:48Also, I’m too lazy to play with my kids
37:51, since I don’t recall my parents ever
37:53playing with me.
37:54The most I got was my grandpa playing
37:56chess with me.
37:57I never won a single time; he didn't go
37:59easy on me at all.
38:01After every game, I’d sit there crying
38:04because he’d get up and do this to me.
38:11Or we’d play cards, and there was zero
38:12chance there. That’s when the "shoulder
38:14straps" at the end start.
38:16He stuck one card up my ass,
38:20And I’m sitting there with this fan of
38:22cards.
38:28I’m thinking, "Grandpa, maybe you could
38:29finally tell me the damn rules?"
38:37I don’t even know if I want my kids to
38:39be happy or successful. Because those
38:42are two completely different upbringings
38:43. The happiest people are the stupid
38:45ones, right?
38:46Just look at Jagan, the happiest person
38:48alive.
38:50I realized that because I grew up in
38:52poverty, and also because I'm dim, on
38:54one hand, I'm glad my kids live in
38:56plenty.
38:57But on the other hand, I really don't
38:58understand why they aren't grateful to
39:00me for it.
39:01I don't just want to hear "dad," I want
39:03to hear "thank you so much, father,"
39:05every single morning.
39:07I actually want every meal to start with
39:09a toast in my honor.
39:13I want my son to stand up and say, "I
39:14want to drink to the head of the family
39:15."
39:18"Dad, thanks for the shelter, for the
39:20food, and for the fact that we go to
39:22kindergarten in a car and not on a sled
39:23in summer."
39:26"I swear, that was the last time I threw
39:28poop at you, it won't happen again."
39:31Of course, I'd want to say something
39:32about their mother too. "Try harder.""
39:34Pop, this is for you."
39:44Though, honestly, I don't fully feel
39:45like a father yet.
39:46I say these parent phrases, but I don't
39:48even believe in them myself.
39:49When they’re acting up before bed, I
39:51shout into their room, "Hey now!"
39:54They calm down. But I realized, if they
39:56don't stop, I honestly don't even know
39:58what else to say.
39:59Like, "hey now, come on now."
40:04I even seriously told them recently, "
40:06this is your final warning."
40:08"Are you a [ __ ] idiot or what?"
40:10You know, I don't believe I'm a father.
40:11I lecture them like, "you can't do that
40:13." Then I walk into the room and think,
40:14"damn, you really can't."
40:19They'll figure out soon enough that I'm
40:20dumber than they are.
40:23That my daughter is definitely smarter
40:24than me.
40:26We were playing with LEGO recently, and
40:28in the middle of it, she says, "focus."
40:36I think she wasn't even talking about
40:38the game, she was saying that to me
40:39about life.
40:41That I'm just incredibly dim. I realized
40:43that recently.
40:45I don't understand a single thing.
40:47For me, this Apple Pay thing is a total
40:49mystery.
40:50When they told me the phone pays for
40:52things, I handed over my phone twice.
40:56I don't understand a single thing. Take
40:58a phone, for example.
41:00Hello?
41:01How do they hear me?
41:03When there were wires, I thought, what?
41:04I speak, and my little voice travels
41:06down the wire.
41:10How does it work now?
41:13And yet, many of us have higher
41:15education.
41:16Perhaps our universities allow us to be
41:18dim. I doubt there’s some guy at Oxford
41:20walking to all his lectures with just a
41:21plastic bag, like.
41:24His "svaya" is always with him. I’m
41:26standing there by the schedule like this
41:27. "Where's the schedule?"
41:32Just because I'm dim, all these adult
41:34things stress me out. People keep
41:36telling me, "Nurlan, you need to
41:37register a legal entity." I think I
41:39should get this face registered,
41:40honestly.
41:41Or when I'm at the bank. I always feel
41:43uncomfortable when they print out a
41:44million papers, you know, and are like,
41:45"Check your details." And you're like, "
41:47Sure."
41:50You're thinking to yourself, how many
41:51minutes would it take me to actually
41:52read this?
41:54I see my last name and go, "Oh, that's
41:56me."
42:00Then there's the signature. People with
42:01overly fancy signatures annoy me. You
42:03know, when they get going and it's, damn
42:05it, a whole sentence, damn it.
42:06Then there’s some roof drawn on there.
42:09Parked some cars here, damn it.
42:12They pull out markers and start coloring
42:14the whole thing in.
42:15I just have the letter N, and the rest
42:17is just, damn it, a jazz improvisation.
42:25Then they also write "printed name." I
42:26think, "Printed name?"
42:31Are they going to decipher the signature
42:32here, damn it, or what?
42:36I try to improve myself, I really do. I
42:39go to museums.
42:40I don't understand a damn thing, I just
42:42stand there with a smart look on my face
42:43, like, "This is very profound."
42:45And it turns out to be the fire escape
42:46plan.
42:49I don't feel comfortable anywhere, even
42:51in hookah lounges.
42:54And even then, sometimes it feels like
42:55the hookah guy wants to hit on me,
42:56because he appears out of nowhere in the
42:57smoke: "What would you like?"
43:03"Do you want grapefruit or mint?"
43:06Just slow down, man.
43:08You know when they push everything: "
43:09Let me get it started for you." You say
43:10: "No, I can handle it.""Let me get it
43:12started."
43:13And he looks you right in the eyes.
43:18"We're brothers, man, here's the hose,
43:19come on."
43:26I don't even feel like a full-fledged
43:28man because I can't do anything around
43:30the house.
43:31You know when the flush button on the
43:33toilet just quits? You know when that
43:34happens?
43:36"Just go outside, yeah, what are you
43:37doing?"
43:39My wife and I just stand there waiting
43:40in line, damn it, for this thing.
43:42She says: "What are we going to do?" I
43:43say: "Well, we’re screwed, damn it, I
43:44don't know what we're going to do."
43:49I called a plumber to fix the problem,
43:51and a [ __ ] just like me showed up. Now
43:53the three of us are just waiting in line
43:55.
43:56He says: "Have you guys [ __ ] in the
43:57bathtub?" I say: "Has it come to that
43:58already?"
44:01By the way, I knew right away that this
44:03plumber didn't know his stuff because he
44:04used formal speech with me.
44:06A real plumber who knows his stuff just
44:08barges in with confidence, saying: "Hey
44:10lady, throw on a robe and seduce me,
44:12come on, damn it."
44:16He says that to me.
44:23A plumber who knows his stuff always has
44:24his butt crack showing, damn it, always
44:26showing.
44:29Any day, from any angle.
44:33Even if he’s wearing a jacket, damn it,
44:34his crack is still right there.
44:40He’s working on repairs, and for some
44:41reason, I’m just standing there next to
44:42him, damn it, watching this.
44:47I find myself glancing at his ass for
44:48some reason.
44:55My wife just says: maybe they'll steal
44:56something? I say: "What?""Your hair from
44:58the bathroom?"
45:02Or I walk in there, and he’s taking a
45:03bath or something.
45:11I can't even talk to plumbers because
45:13they throw around terms like, "Well,
45:14Nurlan, how's your riser doing?"
45:18It's fine.
45:23How's yours?
45:30I’m just not cut out for handyman stuff
45:31at all. So, guys, who here likes a steam
45:32bath? Are there any of you who like the
45:33sauna? Yeah?
45:37Listen, I like the sauna, but I have a
45:38friend who is a total sauna fanatic. You
45:40know, when you're in the steam room, on
45:41the verge of a stroke or heart attack,
45:42skin burning like hell, and he sits
45:43there opposite you: "This is great,
45:44dammit!"
45:46He pours water on that thing a million
45:47times.
45:50You're not supposed to pour it directly
45:51on the thermometer.
45:53He beats me with that whisk from every
45:55side, damn it. I’m thinking, maybe we
45:56should just go into the steam room, for
45:57God's sake? How much more of this can I
45:58take?
46:00I hate that steam room. I like a Finnish
46:02sauna, you know? It’s like a room that
46:03hasn't been aired out, you’re just
46:04sitting there, it’s fine.
46:07Or a hammam, but in the hammam, this
46:08boiling water drips from the ceiling.
46:10You know, when you sat down, relaxed,
46:12and then you're like:
46:18Did anyone just [ __ ] themselves?
46:20Then there’s the regular sauna, but that
46:22place has become a hellhole. There’s
46:24that couch covered in jizz, which...
46:29You sit on it and you’re already
46:30pregnant.
46:35That’s why you have to bring your own
46:37flip-flops, because the sauna provides
46:39two types. The first is this piece of
46:41old tire.
46:44Women's size 45,
46:47and men's, damn it, size 93.
46:52You look closely at them, and there’s a
46:54little fungus going: "Hi!"
47:00And the second ones are those covers,
47:01those paper-thin napkins that are
47:02basically nothing. You know, the ones
47:03where you put them on, immediately slip
47:04, and bash your head on the floor.
47:08You try to throw them away like this,
47:10and they scatter like autumn leaves.
47:17You go for a massage, and they give you
47:18these tiny panties.
47:21What is this, an earring, damn it? What
47:22is this thing?
47:25You barely managed to stretch this shoe
47:27cover over your balls.
47:33You lay down, and he says, "Lower them a
47:34bit." There’s nothing to lower there.
47:37Or you lowered yours too, you bastard.
47:39What is happening?
47:47Also, guys, if you go to the sauna,
47:48please, stop flying into the steam room
47:50naked.
47:52You know, when you got into the steam
47:55room, sat down lower,
48:03closed your eyes.
48:06You open them, and there’s a clown nose
48:08shaking right there.
48:11What’s wrong with you, Niko? Oh, that
48:13feels good!
48:21I also noticed, if you’re the first to
48:23leave the steam room, what do they say?
48:25We’ve got a weakling here.
48:28If you're with a group like that, I
48:29suggest a solution: while you’re in the
48:31steam room, you need to let out a good
48:32fart.
48:38Preferably onto the rocks.
48:45Run out and lock the door behind you.
48:48We’ll see who the weakling is then.
48:53I recently took my son to a bathhouse;
48:55it was his first time.
48:56We left the steam room and headed for
48:57the locker room. The path to the locker
48:59room goes through the shower area.
49:01There were naked men washing there, and
49:03in a row, they look exactly like
49:04elephants at a watering hole.
49:07And my son was seeing this for the first
49:08time, and he’s like,
49:11"Dad."
49:13I mean, you know, so much shitty stuff
49:14in one day, well...
49:17It was a shitty day for him, basically.
49:21I said, "That’s it, son, let’s go." He’s
49:23like, "Dad."
49:34I just remembered my own childhood.
49:37You know, when you go to the bathhouse
49:38when you're little with relatives, with
49:40uncles, and some of them are naked too.
49:42You walk into the steam room, and even
49:44as a little kid, you realize you're
49:46unlikely to become gay.
49:51Because you look with your child's eyes
49:53at these monsters between their legs and
49:55think,
50:01"I definitely don't want to kiss that."
50:10That penises in the bathhouse are
50:11disgusting.
50:13Well, not all of them, yeah, I mean...
50:15no, there are some beautiful ones, yeah
50:17.
50:18No. Listen, I don't mean that you look
50:20and go, "Holy [ __ ]."
50:22I mean, like, they're so confident, you
50:25know, like, "Salam Alaikum." You get it
50:27, right?
50:28Because a classic, classic penis looks
50:31pathetic. It looks like the "Zhdun" meme
50:32.
50:41With that hood on it too.
50:47Ladies, what are you laughing at?
50:50It's no picnic down there for you either
50:51, let me tell you.
50:57Maybe from your angle you think, "What
50:58kind of little flower do I have?"
51:03Then you open it and you're like, "Ah!"
51:06An open wound.
51:13Did someone tear a shawarma on you, or
51:14what is that?
51:21I’m sure...get ready.
51:24I’m sure when a woman sits with her legs
51:26crossed, her vagina looks like Sylvester
51:29Stallone’s mouth.
51:43Anyway, I’m trying to better myself.
51:57Since I have kids, goddamn it.
52:00When they ask me how the world works, I
52:02break into a sweat every time.
52:04"Dad, why is the sky blue?" I sit there
52:06and think, "Indeed."
52:09That’s why in our family, everything is
52:11a miracle.
52:15"Everything is a wonderful marvel, son.
52:16"
52:17"Dad, why is everything God’s will?""
52:19[ __ ] off."
52:24And honestly, I’m not very spiritually
52:26developed, because in my hometown,
52:28Stepnogorsk, after the Soviet period,
52:30when God officially returned in the
52:31nineties,
52:37we had this, you know, a mix of Islam
52:39and Christianity, because people just
52:40remembered whatever they could.
52:46They’d be dunking rams into ice holes
52:47for some reason.
52:52At Easter, everyone was dyeing eggs like
52:54crazy.
52:56Then these Jehovah’s Witnesses showed up
52:58.
52:59They were pushed out by another sect—
53:00Avon.
53:04Yes, there was a lot of ignorance in my
53:06hometown. Actually, that ignorance
53:07brought everyone together. I remember we
53:09celebrated all the holidays regardless
53:11of nationality.
53:12I remember we even went out sometimes as
53:14Kazakhs to celebrate Kolyadki, Kolyadki
53:15.
53:16Even Chechens used to go caroling with
53:17us, saying "Caroling, caroling." Yeah?
53:19So yeah, we were pretty close.
53:21The only ones who looked at us sideways
53:22were the Gypsies, well, they're heathens
53:23.
53:28I've noticed we believe in absolutely
53:30everything. Who here believes in
53:31horoscopes? Anyone? Raise your hands.
53:33Yeah?
53:34This young lady here. What's your sign?
53:37Capricorn.
53:38Why the hell did I ask? Damn, I don't
53:39understand a thing.
53:41You know when a horoscope comes on in a
53:42taxi and you say, who even listens to
53:44this crap? Then it says Taurus, and
53:45you're like, oh.
53:50And who believes in omens? Any of you?
53:52Raise your hands, omens. Yeah? What's
53:54the most important omen in your life?
53:56Superstition?
53:58Superstition? I don't know. Probably.
54:02I already have questions for myself.
54:05Your superstitions, Nurlan.
54:08Any omen at all.
54:10Without eyes?
54:12Wait, hold on, maybe I'm not hearing you
54:13right.
54:23Say the omen again, nice and loud.
54:25The evil eye.
54:30Second row, just a reminder.
54:35Damn it, does anyone have an actual omen
54:36?
54:38Yes, please. Your omen.
54:40Once more.
54:41A black Korean woman walked by.
54:43Right, got it.
54:47Is anyone going to say anything?
54:49You didn't come here for me at all, did
54:50you? You're probably wondering where the
54:52rest of BTS is.
54:54A black cat, otherwise what?
54:57Crosses the road.
54:58Crosses the road.
55:12Talking to you was a very bad idea.
55:20My mother hammered an omen into me since
55:21I was a kid. I can't get rid of it. You
55:23know, when I leave the house, forget
55:24something, come back, I have to look in
55:26the mirror.
55:28What are you clapping for? It's the
55:30dumbest moment of my life.
55:32You have absolutely zero thoughts in
55:33your head. You're just like a dog, damn
55:34it, just a dog.
55:41Sometimes I trick myself, you know, I'm
55:42looking for my keys and I'm like, wait,
55:43I actually believe in this crap. Am I,
55:44like, an idiot or something?
55:53My wife also believes in itching omens.
55:55You know, foot itches—you're going for a
55:56walk, eye itches—it's going to rain,
55:57hand itches—just go take a shower, for
55:59god's sake.
56:01Her left hand is itching, what does that
56:03mean?
56:04Money.
56:04Damn, holy [ __ ], like a choir. Right.
56:08She scratches it, kisses it, and puts it
56:09in her pocket.
56:12My wife, my mom, and my mother-in-law
56:14all believe this.
56:15And not a damn cent to show for it.
56:22I'm the one slaving away while they just
56:23stand there scratching their hands.
56:30And I have to figure everything out.
56:31Honestly, I'm just tired. How are you
56:33all finding adult life? To me, it's a
56:35giant horse [ __ ], honestly. Figuring
56:37everything out, so much responsibility,
56:39so much stress.
56:40I also have stomach issues from stress.
56:42I don't know about you, but when I'm
56:44stressed, I immediately, damn it, it's
56:45just a nightmare.
56:47And I've noticed, the worse the event,
56:49the looser the bowels.
56:54And if you've knocked back some coffee,
56:56damn, that's it, you're driving home at
56:57like a hundred.
57:06So much stress in life. Just recently my
57:08wife asks me before bed: Are you happy?
57:14First off, how am I supposed to sleep
57:15after a phrase like that?
57:18That's the same as asking a woman before
57:20sleep, do you even think you're pretty
57:22or not? Goodnight.
57:36And I’m not getting any sleep at all.
57:38I’m severely sleep-deprived because my
57:40son has his own room, his own bed.
57:43He constantly comes to us at night and
57:44pees in our bed.
57:47He shows up every night like he’s
57:48punching a clock.
57:51Sometimes his eyes aren't even closed,
57:53he just walks up like, what?
57:58Sweet dreams.
58:04And it's so much, we're literally
58:05swimming in pee at that moment.
58:09At that exact moment, my wife’s stomach
58:10starts growling, you know that sound?
58:15Who’s in there, is Dzhigurda waking up
58:17or what?
58:20Then she asks me, is that you or me?
58:29How can you not feel it?
58:35It’s your own body.
58:38That’s like her asking, is that your
58:40boner or mine?
58:45I think he’s even pooping on me now.
58:48I’m holding his head up so he doesn’t
58:49drown, damn it.
58:50And there's this fly buzzing around,
58:51goddamn. Where did you even come from,
58:53it’s February? Did you fly in here
58:54wearing a jacket, huh?
58:56And she asks me before sleep, are you
58:57happy?
59:04That’s why I’m planning on going insane
59:06.
59:09I want to become a cat.
59:13Because you can lick your balls and zero
59:15questions asked.
59:19But you try to scratch them as a man and
59:20the wife’s like—why are you scratching,
59:21why are you...
59:26Because they’re itchy.
59:29Just let me scratch, what’s the problem
59:30?
59:35I’m not sniffing them.
59:40Well, I walk away and sniff them—pure
59:41happiness.
59:49Ladies, you probably just don't
59:50understand what’s going on down there
59:51for us. Let me explain.
59:53Sometimes it’s like...
59:57I get a little action and end up in such
59:59a wreck,
1:00:03that even if they itch, I have to peel
1:00:05them off.
1:00:15And the son, fine at night, but he comes
1:00:17in the morning, lies in that pee, and
1:00:19sings songs, damn it, right into my ear
1:00:20and won't let me sleep.
1:00:22Recently, I don't even know what that
1:00:24was. 5:00 AM, I'm sleeping. Here's my
1:00:26ear. He walks up and goes like...
1:00:30Hello?
1:00:37Who the hell are you calling?
1:00:42And his sister, my daughter, is named
1:00:43Madina, and he’s like—I’m Madina, I’m
1:00:45Madina, damn it. You [ __ ].
1:00:48You little ginger prick, you've worn me
1:00:49out, damn you.
1:00:55I am definitely going to lose my mind.
1:00:58At first I also thought about becoming a
1:01:00little baby, you know, pretending I’m
1:01:01two years old, pooping my pants, so
1:01:02everyone would go, "Oh, don't touch
1:01:03Nurrik."
1:01:05But then I realized, no, I want to
1:01:07become a grandpa.
1:01:09Because, unlike a child, no one has any
1:01:11expectations for a grandpa.
1:01:15A grandpa is the ideal life form.
1:01:18A grandpa at home is just [ __ ] decor
1:01:19, seriously.
1:01:25How many dollars? Who gives a flying
1:01:27[ __ ].
1:01:32And a grandpa says whatever he wants.
1:01:33Ever notice?
1:01:35In adult life, we try to smooth over
1:01:37edges when we talk. He doesn't give a
1:01:38damn. A thought pops into his head, boom
1:01:39, out it comes right away.
1:01:42You know, guests are over, he’s sitting
1:01:43in the corner, listening to someone like
1:01:44, "A-a-ah."
1:01:53And adult life is just boring.
1:01:56Has anyone tried drugs here?
1:01:58Absolutely.
1:02:01Didn't [ __ ] in school, didn't try drugs
1:02:03.
1:02:05You guys really rushed here, didn't you
1:02:06.
1:02:07I haven't tried them myself.
1:02:10And no, really, I'm generally against
1:02:12drugs. But if we're going to legalize
1:02:15them, only for old people.
1:02:17Because they’re pretty sad, you have to
1:02:19agree.
1:02:20Imagine a grandpa waiting for the bus,
1:02:22pops a pill, and [ __ ], he's off to
1:02:23another world, just like that. And right
1:02:26next to him, a grandma on spice.
1:02:32Think about how fun it would be for them
1:02:33at the dacha.
1:02:34Grandma gets stoned and is like,
1:02:38"In the spring, the potatoes were this
1:02:39big, but now..."
1:02:45And how their relationship with the
1:02:45grandkids would change.
1:02:47The grandson would be like, "I want to
1:02:48go to grandma's, I want to go to
1:02:48grandma's, I want to spend the summer at
1:02:49grandma's."
1:02:53But it’s December right now. Who cares,
1:02:54let’s go right now, goddamn it.
1:02:59Most importantly, old people would
1:03:00actually have sex.
1:03:02Imagine how hardcore that would be.
1:03:05Grandma takes her teeth out, just gives
1:03:06the old man a [ __ ].
1:03:16Pure gums, [ __ ].
1:03:23The grandpa forgot to finish.
1:03:26Grandma gets on all fours, throws her
1:03:28tits on his back, and he's riding her
1:03:29like a motorcycle.
1:03:38So, who didn't laugh? What, you don't
1:03:39wish happiness for the elderly?
1:03:45Between adult life and this marriage
1:03:47stuff.
1:03:48Let's have some applause for the married
1:03:50folks, any married ones here?
1:03:55The saddest applause of the night.
1:03:59I'm amazed at how women in marriage can
1:04:01filigree their way into making you feel
1:04:03guilty.
1:04:06Invisibly.
1:04:07We were talking about pocket money
1:04:09recently, and she says to me, "Why do
1:04:11you even take pocket money?"
1:04:17And I didn't even have the thought like
1:04:18, "What did you just say?"
1:04:21Because she structured the dialogue so
1:04:23well that I thought, "Yeah, really."
1:04:30Why am I taking my own money?
1:04:34So shameful.
1:04:37Then she tells me, "Why do you yell at
1:04:39me during an argument?" And I think, "
1:04:40When else am I supposed to yell?"
1:04:43When I'm happy, or what?
1:04:44Like, "Check out this cleaning!"
1:04:50I yell because we live in a spacious
1:04:52house now. When we lived in a studio
1:04:54with the kids and parents, we hissed so
1:04:55we wouldn't wake anyone up. We whispered
1:04:57at the top of our lungs, that snake
1:04:58language from Harry Potter, which is
1:04:59like—
1:05:02The tension was so high, a pimple popped
1:05:03by itself.
1:05:08We’re so tense when we argue, like those
1:05:10couples you see at the mall who are
1:05:11fighting but pretending they aren't,
1:05:12clutching those bags, shaking with rage
1:05:14, dammit.
1:05:15And then that cheerful little train
1:05:16drives by, for [ __ ] sake.
1:05:19And trying to make it to the car to
1:05:20fight properly, but they can't find
1:05:21their car in the parking lot, dammit,
1:05:22they’re literally foaming at the mouth.
1:05:27For us men, our jaws don't even move
1:05:29during an argument. It’s like we’re
1:05:30beatboxing or something.
1:05:35But with a woman, an argument is like
1:05:38watching Formula 1 from the stands.
1:05:40She’s like—
1:05:47She’s off.
1:05:49Honestly, ladies, it's amazing; for some
1:05:51reason, you think the phrase "I'm not
1:05:52talking to you anymore" is a punishment
1:05:54for us.
1:05:57Thanks, not talking anymore. Thank you
1:05:59so much.
1:06:01Is it my birthday today, dammit, or what
1:06:02?
1:06:04But over time, you realize it is a
1:06:05punishment, because yes, she isn't
1:06:07talking to you, but that look of hers is
1:06:08lethal, damn it.
1:06:10You know, you can actually hear that
1:06:11look, like a microwave.
1:06:16When you walk into the room, you think,
1:06:18could you turn down the radiation levels
1:06:20a bit?
1:06:22I realized—I wouldn't yell.
1:06:24And we men wouldn't yell if the dialogue
1:06:26went like this: you make a point, state
1:06:28your opinion, she makes a point, states
1:06:30her opinion, and you discuss it.
1:06:33That would be great, right?
1:06:35But how does it usually go? You make a
1:06:38point and you're told to go [ __ ]
1:06:39yourself immediately.
1:06:45In a split second.
1:06:48But what I like most is the period after
1:06:49the argument. Ever hugged after an
1:06:50argument? It’s a shitty situation when
1:06:52you’ve sort of made up, but you're still
1:06:53tense, and you're basically strangling
1:06:55them instead of hugging them, dammit.
1:06:57She isn't even hugging you back; her
1:06:58arms are just hanging down by her sides
1:06:59.
1:07:04Or when you haven't made up and you're
1:07:05ignoring each other in the apartment,
1:07:06and when you accidentally brush past her
1:07:08, you know how unpleasant that is,
1:07:09dammit, you know?
1:07:12Like brushing against a homeless person
1:07:13on the subway.
1:07:19What I’ve noticed is that it’s very hard
1:07:21to argue when you’re stupid.
1:07:24When you have these arguments in your
1:07:25head, yeah, they seem brilliant, dammit
1:07:27.
1:07:31You’ve got the devil’s advocate in there
1:07:32.
1:07:34But by the time the thought reaches your
1:07:37mouth, dammit, it’s all tattered and
1:07:39lost all its letters.
1:07:42In the end, what comes out isn't an
1:07:43advocate, but a hobo in a blazer with
1:07:45nothing underneath, just blah blah blah
1:07:46.
1:07:55But the worst thing that can happen
1:07:57during an argument, when you're dumb,
1:07:59when you think, now I'll destroy her
1:08:01with one thought, you start spouting off
1:08:03, and in the moment you lose your own
1:08:05train of logic,
1:08:09you keep talking yourself, not
1:08:11understanding what you're even saying.
1:08:16She catches you on it.
1:08:23You think, what should I do?
1:08:26Beat her again or something?
1:08:33No, my wife is more or less balanced, as
1:08:35long as we give her her shots on time.
1:08:39Because I realized, ladies, if you have
1:08:41a complaint, say it directly, straight
1:08:43to my face.
1:08:44There's no need to play these games.
1:08:47You know when you walk into the house
1:08:49and you can already sense that
1:08:51atmosphere.
1:08:53The vultures have already gathered.
1:08:57The kids walk by like
1:09:08The pug is like, I'm out of here, I
1:09:09don't want to hear this.
1:09:12And my wife is sitting right by the wall
1:09:13, like, I always sit like this.
1:09:19You ask, what happened? She’s just like
1:09:21an owl.
1:09:24Can't you guess yourself, damn it? Get
1:09:26down from the ceiling, let's talk like
1:09:27human beings.
1:09:33That’s why you should say everything
1:09:34directly, because we guys are dumb. I’m
1:09:35definitely dumb. Actually, no advice
1:09:37works for me at all.
1:09:40One very old, smart man says to me once
1:09:41: "If you want to get smarter, spend
1:09:43less time on your phone, and travel more
1:09:44in your mind."
1:09:47I think, well, for me, that's not a
1:09:48journey at all.
1:09:50It's just that when I travel in my mind
1:09:52, I find my dick in my hand very quickly
1:09:54.
1:09:58Recently my wife caught me masturbating
1:10:00. Just now, damn it.
1:10:04And she says: "You cheated on me." What
1:10:06?
1:10:07Has anyone ever left their wife for
1:10:08their hand, damn it? This
1:10:12Enough, let's figure out what cheating
1:10:13is. Let's have a round of applause for
1:10:14the couples who came together. Are there
1:10:15any? Couples together? Huh? Are you two
1:10:17together?
1:10:18Huh? Imagine that he, well, it's
1:10:20unlikely, but he slept with a girl.
1:10:25A fantastic scenario.
1:10:28Slept with a girl. Is that cheating?
1:10:30Yes.
1:10:30Yes. Alright. Slept with a girl—that's
1:10:32cheating. And if he didn't sleep with
1:10:33her, but just got a good night's sleep?
1:10:34Just, uh, laid together naked in bed.
1:10:38Cheating? Cheating. Okay. Is a kiss
1:10:41cheating?
1:10:42No?
1:10:43Cheating.
1:10:43Ah, cheating? Brother, we'll find a
1:10:45loophole here, I'm currently
1:10:48We'll finish this, we'll find it.
1:10:50Alright, a kiss is also cheating.
1:10:52And if you're just holding it with your
1:10:54hand, just holding the [ __ ] with your
1:10:56hand, and like
1:10:59Said hello.
1:11:02Like, what’s up, Natasha, damn it, how
1:11:03are things?
1:11:05Tell me about it.
1:11:10Cheating. Alright.
1:11:13So, sleeping with a girl is cheating.
1:11:15What about with a guy?
1:11:18What's with the pause?
1:11:21That's the loophole, brother.
1:11:29I realized that sex before marriage was
1:11:32always a hunt, right? You hunted, you
1:11:34had hunting clothes.
1:11:39You were discussing hunting spots with
1:11:41your friends, right?
1:11:42Reloading your rifle, yeah? So, you were
1:11:44a hunter.
1:11:45But in marriage, goddammit, you're a
1:11:46farmer.
1:11:49You've got your own little plot.
1:11:57You know, when his tea is bubbling
1:11:59during the process, when...
1:12:07You don't hold back your garlic burps at
1:12:09all.
1:12:12Just tossing them straight into her
1:12:13mouth.
1:12:17You know, so it doesn't hurt.
1:12:23Or what do you call it? How is it?
1:12:25Fingering, goddammit. Anyway, before
1:12:27marriage you're shy, right? In marriage
1:12:29, it's so routine, you're both just
1:12:31watching TV, you're just...
1:13:01And you're not even hard, she's just
1:13:02playing with yours there.
1:13:11Listen, guys, isn't "cunnilingus" too
1:13:13fancy a word for this process?
1:13:15When I first heard it, is it some Greek
1:13:17commander, goddammit?
1:13:20Like, Attila's troops attacked the
1:13:21troops of Cunnilingus.
1:13:26And "labia"(sex lips). Why the hell are
1:13:28those lips?
1:13:30I'm sure it's women, "Yeah, those are
1:13:31lips, kiss the lips."
1:13:39They didn't call balls "sex ears," did
1:13:41they?
1:13:44Why are you all ears, then?
1:13:48Alright, Astana, come on, men, who’s
1:13:49done cunnilingus?
1:13:52Wow, [ __ ], you’ve clearly been waiting
1:13:54all night for this question, goddammit.
1:13:58Sitting there with your chapped lips,
1:13:59damn.
1:14:01And the other guys are sitting there
1:14:02like, "What's cunnilingus?" Is it some
1:14:03kind of seasoning?
1:14:05I don't respect this cuni-cilantro,
1:14:07goddammit.
1:14:08But licking a [ __ ]—that's my thing.
1:14:16And returning to the beginning.
1:14:19I want to say, despite my vulgar and, as
1:14:21you've already noticed, low-brow jokes,
1:14:23every time I come to any city, any
1:14:25country, my only intention is to bring a
1:14:28smile and laughter, especially in such
1:14:30difficult times.
1:14:32Therefore, regarding what happened to me
1:14:34, and in general, when people demand
1:14:35things from popular people, I believe
1:14:37popular people are to blame for it
1:14:39themselves.
1:14:40You know, when Buzova says "My people,"
1:14:41I think, are you Genghis Khan or
1:14:42something, goddammit? Calm down.
1:14:45Because popularity puts pressure on the
1:14:47brain. I’ve had a security guard with me
1:14:49a couple of times in my life. The first
1:14:50time was when I took a bite of a cake in
1:14:51a supermarket.
1:14:56In general, all these artists, all these
1:14:58Artik and Asti, Lolek and Bolek,
1:15:00goddammit, they all think in the
1:15:01category of "I want to leave a mark."
1:15:03I’ll leave a skidmark at most, goddammit
1:15:05.
1:15:06When I die, they won't write "an era has
1:15:09passed." They'll write "an era has
1:15:10pissed off," goddammit.
1:15:12That's it, Astana, thank you all very
1:15:13much. Thank you very much.
1:15:45Julie, uh-huh.
1:15:49Little wind. I'm no worse than these
1:15:51fingers on the palette.
1:15:52The house was shaking because Dad was
1:15:54always causing a scene.
1:15:56You know, my black sweat and black ken
1:15:58say that we didn't even choose.
1:16:01We’ve been eating all the leftovers
1:16:03since childhood.
1:16:04My hometown, hang it up on raw talent.
1:16:08You get it? It’s a Vince-style jackpot.
1:16:10This isn't Vince, this is filth. We are
1:16:12the ones who are favorites here.
1:16:14For those who didn’t break, you know
1:16:17this isn’t the worst. And you end up in
1:16:19a well-furnished pad. And it feels
1:16:21better here. Seeing you back, buddy, I
1:16:23was drinking beer. I hear how you ran
1:16:25away and shouted sweets and
1:16:29The most favorite
1:16:33Mr. Simpson, Vasya, Nancy lived lived
1:16:36pats pats giss giss pats pats pats pats
1:16:40I three pi.
1:16:42It’s just like
1:16:45a fiery salam alaykum flying across our
1:16:47globe. To drink, meet up.
1:16:50It’s me, my evil vodka. It’s me, it’s us
1:16:53, it hasn't passed. So take a photo of
1:16:55me with my throat.

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This page contains the full transcript of Нурлан Сабуров ПРИНЦИПЫ 2024 by Нурлан Сабуров, generated from the public captions YouTube serves with the video. The transcript has 10,445 words across 1,793 segments, with the original timestamps preserved so you can click any line to jump to that moment in the embedded player.

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