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13 Worst Things To Do After a Breakup — Transcript

by Kait Willett · 5,385 words · 802 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00there are scientific reasons why falling
0:01out of love or going through heartbreak
0:03is so detrimental there's a whole lot
0:06that's happening from a neurological
0:08perspective and physiologically that
0:10makes the suffering so insufferable when
0:12you fall in love there's a huge surge of
0:14hormones like dopamine and oxytocin that
0:16make you feel like you're on top of the
0:18world but when you fall out of love
0:20those hormones plummet while stress
0:22hormones like cortisol and adrenaline
0:24Skyrocket this hormone roller coaster is
0:26similar to the experience that somebody
0:28has when they withdraw from drugs the
0:29high will they linger in the lows
0:32justifiable and you feel compelled
0:34almost compulsive to seek out the next
0:36hit what's more the pain of a breakup
0:38has shown up on MRI scans as similar to
0:40the physical pain of a burn or a broken
0:43arm navigating the rise in our fight or
0:44flight response while weaning off the
0:46intoxicating chemicals of love can lead
0:48to emotionally driven behaviors that
0:50make the pain well linger because
0:52heartbreak is where your emotions have
0:54to readjust unwillingly and because many
0:56people don't want to adjust they
0:58continue to find themselves stuck they
1:00don't want to turn the page because they
1:01inevitably know who won't be in the next
1:03chapter and I personally don't want that
1:05pain to linger any longer than it has to
1:08for you so by the time you've watched
1:09this video all the way to the end not
1:11only will I break down and help you
1:13avoid the 13 worst behaviors that you
1:15could engage with post breakup but I'm
1:16also going to help you navigate through
1:18heartbreak so that the pain Isn't So
1:21debilitating which brings me to my first
1:23point contacting them after a breakup
1:25it's so tempting to reach out to your ex
1:27maybe you want closure or maybe you just
1:29miss them one night after a particularly
1:31rough day you might feel the sensation
1:33of just reaching out to them for a
1:35moment of comfort and it may even feel
1:37like the right thing to do in that
1:39moment because up to this point maybe
1:41they were your place where you found
1:43Comfort but inevitably this only makes
1:45things worse what's interesting post
1:47breakup is that your brain enters this
1:49space that's highly motivated much like
1:51a starving person seeing food that is
1:53just Out Of Reach the grief that you go
1:55through pushes your brain to have to
1:57remap the Continuum between time space
2:00and closeness or attachment and much
2:02like going through the loss of a loved
2:03one your mind still has to figure out
2:05how do we restructure this framework
2:08relative to this person who's actually
2:10not dead at all and this takes a lot of
2:12time for a lot of people and
2:13nevertheless it's a total mind [ __ ] and
2:16in the modern world with constant access
2:18to your cellular device it makes a
2:20transition from they're literally
2:21impossible to connect with to oh I can
2:24just shoot them a text message or a
2:25phone call and these elements of
2:27communication and their name still being
2:29at the top of your text message list
2:30make it really difficult for a lot of
2:32people not to reach out which only
2:34amplifies the motivation to go ahead and
2:36contact them when we look at attachment
2:38style people with the anxious attachment
2:39style have the highest proclivity to
2:41engage in behaviors like this they rely
2:43on closeness in reassurance to validate
2:45themselves as people especially if they
2:47highly prioritize relationships and the
2:49breakup will trigger their deepest fear
2:51and wound of Abandonment and inevitable
2:53rejection and so they can grasp at this
2:55like straws trying to keep their partner
2:57committed to revalidate and enforce
2:59their sense of selfworth and a 2019
3:01study shows that people with anxious
3:03attachment Styles experience much higher
3:05levels of distress and have a harder
3:07time refraining from contacting their ex
3:09post breakup as they seek to try to
3:10restore that lost sense of connection
3:13and they will tend to engage in
3:14persistent efforts to reclaim the
3:16affection and attention from their ex
3:18partner and this inevitably prolongs the
3:20healing process now another factor to
3:22consider if you want to understand
3:24yourself a little bit better is the
3:26personality traits as we go throughout
3:27this video I am going to touch on
3:29different thresholds of Personality
3:30Dimensions to help the math math here
3:32for you but neuroticism is a personality
3:35trait relative to the big five and this
3:36personality Dimension is characterized
3:38by a tendency towards anxiety depression
3:41and emotional instability and because
3:43they experience these Amplified states
3:45of negative emotion and they have a
3:47difficulty in managing and navigating
3:49stressful situations it makes it
3:51significantly more challenging for them
3:53to refrain from actually reaching out
3:54and contacting the Rex so the solution
3:57here is to give yourself a black and
3:59white concrete rule of no contact for at
4:02least a month you need to use this time
4:04to focus on yourself and detach while
4:06the space time and connection pieces
4:08start to remap in your mind and as a
4:10side note if you need to delete their
4:11number and their text messages please do
4:13so and this brings me nicely into Point
4:15number two trying to be friends
4:17immediately post breakup now I remember
4:20I've been in this situation where I went
4:21through a breakup and tried to tell
4:22myself that we could still be friends
4:24but every time we talked it hurt trying
4:26to pretend that the emotions that were
4:28there don't still linger while also
4:30trying to navigate new boundaries when
4:32moments where we previously would have
4:33emotionally connected we now don't
4:36pairing that with seeing them move on or
4:37even replace you while you still have
4:39emotions is a recipe for disaster trying
4:42to be friends especially right away
4:44keeps that wound fresh it prevents you
4:46from actually detaching and moving on as
4:48you're constantly reminded of what no
4:50longer is and what you lost it's a new
4:52Dynamic that constantly Compares what is
4:55to what was and the ability to move
4:57through that while there's intense
4:59romantic emot present is almost
5:01impossible and typically unhealthy the
5:04people who struggle the most with this
5:06from an attachment perspective are the
5:08anxious preoccupied attachment Styles
5:10this is a subset of the anxious
5:12attachment the anxious preoccupied means
5:14that they're preoccupied with
5:16relationships primarily and they often
5:18hyperfixate on their relationships even
5:20to the detriment of their own lives and
5:22because of this characterization I'm
5:23sure that you and Stevie Wonder can see
5:26how they are the most likely to struggle
5:28with this element as they have a strong
5:30need for connection and struggle to
5:31separate friendship and romantic love so
5:33the solution to all of this is taking a
5:35friendship Hiatus allow yourself the
5:37time to heal in process while gaining
5:39emotional distance and if you both
5:41genuinely want to be friends later down
5:42the road you can and it will also be a
5:45much healthier Dynamic once you both
5:46have had the time to actually process
5:48and move on which brings me to my next
5:49Point rebounding many men that I work
5:52with have a pattern and this pattern
5:53tends to involve jumping from
5:55relationship to relationship with never
5:57processing what just happened and just
5:59trying to move on to be fair it feels
6:00really good at first but soon they
6:02realize they're just trying to fill this
6:04void left empty by an ex aiming to
6:06replace the presence of this person with
6:08a new face and a new name where they
6:10never actually took the time to feel
6:11this person out and see if they actually
6:13liked them and they certainly didn't
6:15take the time to reflect on their past
6:17experiences to learn the lessons as to
6:19why that didn't work out in the first
6:21place and what role they could have
6:22played in the dynamic completely falling
6:24apart and this new relationship that
6:26ends up being a rebound not only hurts
6:28themselves but hurts the other person
6:30now why do people do this well
6:32rebounding can be a place where you
6:33don't actually have to deal with your
6:35feelings or emotions relative to the
6:36breakup it's a convenient and easy
6:39distraction but it also prevents you
6:40from fully processing the breakup in
6:42what you just went through which down
6:43the road will lead to further emotional
6:45complications now unlike the anxious
6:48this is more of an avoidant attachment
6:49style Matrix in a study by Spielman in
6:522013 found that avoidant individuals are
6:54more likely to jump into relationships
6:56as rebounds and this allows them to
6:58maintain their emotional distance and
7:00limit their levels of vulnerability the
7:02unfortunate part of this is not only
7:04does it prevent them from building more
7:05self-awareness or actually processing
7:07the emotions but it can lead to very
7:09toxic Dynamics if played out down the
7:11road as they focus on a here today gone
7:14tomorrow type of mentality only to be
7:16replaced with the next shiny object that
7:18grabs their attention with zero regard
7:20for what is actually good for them but
7:22that's an entirely different
7:23conversation and if you're interested in
7:25the concept of narcissism well stick
7:27around to the end so what is the point
7:28here while well we need to take time to
7:30actually process post breakup and
7:32replacing somebody with somebody else to
7:34help you move on is not actually helping
7:37you move on in a healthy way if you can
7:39focus on self-discovery and healing you
7:41will be a healed human being and also
7:44have the wherewithal to choose a better
7:46fit partner for you the next time that
7:47you actually enter a relationship
7:49instead of focusing on needing a place
7:51for distraction and dope Meine which
7:54brings me to my next Point putting
7:55yourself down or blaming yourself
7:57entirely for the breakup that you just
7:59want went through it's common to think
8:00I'm the problem I'm not good enough it
8:02was my fault and these thoughts can
8:04haunt you and impact your self-esteem
8:06this kind of self-deprecation can trap
8:08you in a cycle of negative thinking
8:10making it significantly harder to
8:11actually move on and heal interestingly
8:13enough when it comes to personality
8:15research has found that people that are
8:17high in conscientiousness while they
8:18have a strong sense of self-discipline
8:20and work ethic while really honoring the
8:23idea of personal responsibility tend to
8:25actually struggle the most post breakup
8:27with turning the circumstances that
8:29happened Inward and this leads them to
8:32completely internalize the blame of
8:33their relationship falling apart and
8:35question their own sense of selfworth
8:36and from an attachment perspective I'm
8:38sure you can guess that the anxious
8:40attached person is going to be the one
8:42who also struggles the most with this in
8:44a study by Simpson and rhs 2017 found
8:46this exact same thing individuals with
8:48an anxious attachment style are way more
8:50likely to internalize The Fallout of a
8:52breakup and blame themselves and this
8:54can lead to increased self-blame and
8:57depressive symptoms they often believe
8:59that the brain breakup is a direct
9:00consequence of their own inadequacies
9:02which perpetuates a cycle of negative
9:04self-perception and hinders their
9:06ability to move on this is where you
9:07have to remind yourself that breakups
9:09happen for a million different reasons
9:12and it never means ultimately that
9:13there's something wrong with you
9:15personally often times people break up
9:17because one person isn't the best fit
9:19for another person and we all have the
9:21ability and sovereignty to choose that
9:23outcome but just because somebody didn't
9:25choose you doesn't mean that there's
9:27something wrong with you and this brings
9:28me to my next Point posting on social
9:30media pretending that everything is
9:32wonderful post breakup simply to get
9:34your ex's attention after a breakup some
9:36people feel compelled to post all over
9:39social media to try to show how
9:41wonderful their life is now without
9:42their ex there they post photos of
9:45themselves out and about traveling
9:46having a great time looking their best
9:48and engaging in new and exciting
9:50activities all in the hopes that their
9:52ex will see this and it will make them
9:54feel some sense of regret or even
9:56jealousy this may feel like so left
9:58field d you're probably going no one
10:00would ever do that I promise you people
10:03do this [ __ ] and this Behavior while
10:05again seemingly harmless on some level
10:07can be entirely counterproductive
10:10because it keeps you focused on your ex
10:12while also trying to paint this picture
10:14of a facade rather than doing the right
10:16thing and genuinely healing and this
10:18habit can stem from this innate desire
10:20to regain control and validate your own
10:23sense of selfworth by eliciting a
10:25reaction from your ex and a 2013 study
10:27found that people often use social media
10:29to help regulate their emotions post
10:31breakup and those with higher levels of
10:33neuroticism from a personality Dimension
10:35and those who are higher in the anxious
10:37attachment Department are the most
10:39likely to engage in this style of
10:41behavior if I can give you any piece of
10:43advice relative to this just stay off of
10:46social media you need to focus on
10:47actually healing versus this false sense
10:49of healing and certainly nobody in the
10:51world needs to validate your healing
10:52process only you need to do that work
10:54for yourself which brings me to my next
10:56interesting point relative to social
10:58media and that would be stalking your ex
11:01after a breakup it can be incredibly
11:03tempting to check in and see what
11:05they're up to you find yourself
11:06constantly checking their profile
11:08scrutinizing their photos and trying to
11:10decipher the meaning behind every
11:12unclear caption but this Behavior can
11:14turn into an obsession and it keeps you
11:16emotionally Tethered to your ex partner
11:18and this will ultimately prevent you
11:20from actually moving on stalking your ex
11:22online or stalking anybody first and
11:23foremost is wrong but particularly
11:25continuing to spend a lot of mental and
11:27emotional energy keeping a pulse on what
11:29your ex is doing is only going to keep
11:31you in a toxic cycle of obsessing over
11:33them and ultimately the time space and
11:36connection map isn't able to actually
11:37reestablish itself and this keeps the
11:39wound fresh making it significantly
11:41harder and prolonging the cycle of you
11:44actually moving on now this is where
11:46personality Dimensions get really
11:47interesting because conscientiousness
11:50actually plays a large part in this
11:51style of behavior remember it's
11:53characterized by self-discipline
11:55carefulness and a desire for control
11:57think very type A people and people high
12:00in conscientiousness actually struggle
12:02to let go and this is because they feel
12:04a strong sense and urge to try to
12:07understand what the hell happened and
12:09this type of behavior can also keep the
12:11door open and prevent them from
12:13experiencing any sense of closure so The
12:15Simple Solution here is block and
12:17unfollow your ex this removes the
12:19Temptation or the unforeseen algorithm
12:23showing you your ex when you didn't need
12:24to see your ex doing some [ __ ] you
12:26didn't need to see them doing just
12:27prevents that from happening entirely
12:28take the proactive action and either
12:31mute or unfollow or simply delete any
12:33type of affiliation from you being able
12:35to see them and them likely being able
12:38to see you and this brings me to my next
12:40Point turning to food or alcohol to numb
12:42the pain it's very common for people to
12:44seek comfort in food or alcohol and you
12:46might find yourself reaching for junk
12:47food or pouring yourself another glass
12:49of wine to distract yourself from the
12:51emotional pain that you're experiencing
12:52post breakup while this may provide some
12:54sense of temporary relief it often leads
12:56to long-term consequences for both your
12:59physical and mental health numbing your
13:01feelings in general but specifically in
13:03this domain with food or alcohol is
13:05going to prevent you from actually
13:06processing the way that you feel or the
13:08emotions that you continue to try to
13:09compartmentalize and this creates a
13:11cycle where you continue to teach
13:12yourself to avoid dealing with pain
13:15which can not only prolong your ability
13:17to suffer but also reinforce behaviors
13:20that can become addictions or addictive
13:22Styles or patterns of behavior that you
13:24can't ever let go of and long term this
13:27can lead to additional issues like
13:29weight gain poor health or even
13:31substance abuse now when we think about
13:33people who have a higher proclivity to
13:35engage in this kind of behavior this is
13:37a little interesting but extraversion as
13:39far as a personality trait is
13:40characterized by being social assertive
13:43and high levels of activity and people
13:45who are high in extroversion in
13:47particular often seek external
13:49stimulation to feel good and after a
13:51breakup if you're losing your support
13:53system or interactions with other people
13:55well what are you left to do and these
13:57people tend to gravitate towards food
13:59and alcohol as a substitute for the
14:02interactions that they actually crave
14:03and a 2000 study supports this they
14:05found that individuals who are high in
14:07extraversion or have a higher proclivity
14:09to engage in drinking behaviors
14:11specifically in the domain of coping
14:12with stress and seeking some sense of
14:14social pleasure and after a breakup the
14:17changes in the Social Circle or the
14:18Dynamics that they experienced
14:20previously can push them towards
14:21substance abuse to actually try to fill
14:23that void and a 2013 study also shows
14:25that individuals with an avoidant
14:27attachment engage in very similar
14:29behaviors which brings me to my next
14:30point romanticizing the relationship or
14:33only focusing on the good times it's
14:35very easy for many people and I know I'm
14:37guilty of this post breakup where you
14:39idolize the really high moments and the
14:41great times or the laughs and the joy
14:43and the experiences that you had with
14:44this person and you might find yourself
14:46replaying the best moments of all time
14:48over and over and over in your mind and
14:50this may lead you to convince yourself
14:52that you two were perfect together and
14:54that you should have never broken up and
14:56this can lead to a state of limerance
14:57where you are obsessively infatuated
15:00with your ex and this will end up with
15:02you clinging to an idolized version of
15:05your past history with them and this
15:06ultimately can create a distorted view
15:08of what the actual relationship was and
15:11this will also blind you to seeing the
15:12reasons why it ended in the first place
15:15lemin keeps you emotionally Tethered to
15:16your ex and this also prevents you from
15:19ever moving forward and it's also a form
15:21of emotional Escape where you're trying
15:23to avoid dealing with the reality of the
15:25breakup that you're going through
15:26because it's easier to cling to some
15:28sort of fantasy now openness to
15:30experience is a personality Dimension
15:32characterized by imagination creativity
15:34and a preference for novelty and variety
15:37and individuals who are high in openness
15:39are more likely to engage in a series of
15:41introspection and imaginative thinking
15:43which can ultimately lead them to
15:44romanticizing the past and idealizing
15:47their ex and their vivid imagination can
15:49make it incredibly difficult for them to
15:51actually let go of their ex partner and
15:53this again leading to limerance will
15:56prevent them from actually living in the
15:58reality that they relationship is over
16:00which leads me to my next point of toxic
16:02behaviors number nine seeking Revenge
16:05after a breakup feelings of hurt and
16:06betrayal can be incredibly overwhelming
16:08and it's not uncommon to have thoughts
16:10of Revenge whether it's posting
16:12embarrassing stories spreading rumors or
16:14trying to make your ex jealous I think
16:16we're all guilty of this at some point
16:17in our life and while these actions May
16:19provide a brief sense of satisfaction
16:22they often lead to more pain and
16:23complications down the road seeking
16:25Revenge only keeps you tied to negative
16:27emotions it prevents you from actually
16:29again moving on in healing it just
16:31keeping you stuck it can also create a
16:34very toxic and obsessive cycle of
16:36behaviors that harm not only your ex but
16:39yourself when it comes to personality
16:40Dimensions people who are very low in
16:42agreeableness which is characterized by
16:44trust altruism kindness and affection
16:47are way more prone to seeking revenge
16:49and that objectively makes sense they
16:51are way less likely to forgive and way
16:53more likely to hold grudges and they
16:55have a proclivity towards antagonism and
16:57hostility which causes them to act in
16:59ways that can be harmful and are usually
17:01counterproductive which brings me to
17:03point number 10 isolating yourself many
17:05people have a tendency to withdraw from
17:07friends and family post breakup it kind
17:09of feels natural to just want to retreat
17:11from the entire world you might feel
17:13ashamed embarrassed or simply too sad to
17:16face other people so you isolate
17:18yourself while thinking that just being
17:20alone will be the thing that helps you
17:21heal but instead of finding Solace you
17:24find yourself sinking deeper into
17:26loneliness and despair what a lot of
17:27people don't understand is that
17:29isolation can continue to amplify
17:31feelings of depression and pain and this
17:33makes it significantly harder to
17:35actually recover post breakup social
17:37support in any domain is really critical
17:39for any element of healing it provides
17:41emotional Comfort perspective and a
17:43sense of belonging which we all need and
17:45isolating yourself deprives you of those
17:48benefits and will inevitably prolong the
17:50emotional pain that you're experiencing
17:52now introversion is a personality
17:53Dimension that is characterized by a
17:55preference for Solitude and
17:56introspection and most of these people
17:58have very limited social interactions
18:00while introverts tend to recharge by
18:02spending time alone excessive isolation
18:05to any human being can be incredibly
18:07detrimental and individuals with an
18:09avoidant attachment style are
18:10particularly prone to engaging in this
18:12type of behavior they tend to suppress
18:14their emotions and avoid relying on
18:15anybody else for any semblance of
18:17support they tend to also have a core
18:19belief that Independence and
18:21self-reliance are the best ways to cope
18:23with pain which leads me to my next
18:25Point looking at Old text and photos of
18:28you two it's tempting to scroll through
18:30old text messages and photos Reminiscing
18:32on the good times and trying to
18:33recapture the feelings of when things
18:35were better each message each picture
18:37can pull you back into the past making
18:40it harder to accept the reality of the
18:42breakup that you just went through this
18:43obviously will have a pattern in a
18:45proclivity to keep you stuck and limit
18:47your ability to actually move on it can
18:49also create a false sense of hope while
18:51simultaneously prolonging the pain that
18:53you're experiencing as you're constantly
18:55reminded of what you've lost rather than
18:57focusing on healing and creating new
18:59experiences for yourself now when it
19:01comes to personality Dimensions those
19:02who are high in conscientiousness have a
19:04higher proclivity to engage in this type
19:06of behavior they tend to engage in
19:08things like rumination and overanalyzing
19:11every little thing and this proclivity
19:13can lead to repeatedly revisiting old
19:16memories and digging into the details of
19:18why everything happened the way that it
19:20did which inevitably makes it harder to
19:22move on and this brings me to my next
19:23Point having a tendency to want to stay
19:25in their Social Circle after breakup it
19:27might seem like a good idea to try to
19:29stay connected with the common friends
19:31and family members that you once had a
19:33relationship with you think that it will
19:34keep you close to your ex and maybe make
19:36the transition easier however constantly
19:39interacting with their family and or
19:40friends makes it significantly more
19:43difficult this keeps you in a container
19:44in an environment that is familiar to
19:46your past and again prevents the
19:49remapping of time space and connection
19:51this also prevents you from creating a
19:53new identity which would move you
19:54forward into progressing with your life
19:56and this part is actually really crucial
19:58for your overall emotional recovery it
20:00not only makes the Detachment part of
20:02moving on incredibly difficult but it
20:04puts the people who are in the middle of
20:06you too in a very uncomfortable position
20:08now if you're somebody who's high in
20:09agreeableness and you had friends that
20:11were common with your ex it may be
20:13really difficult for you and you might
20:14feel like a bad person for setting a
20:16boundary with these people that you no
20:17longer need to interact with what you
20:19have to recognize is that your
20:20boundaries are your responsibility and
20:22is not up to you to suffer in order to
20:24appease other people and most
20:27importantly the people that genuinely
20:28care about you are going to want you to
20:30heal and most people will understand hey
20:33unfortunately I need to draw a boundary
20:35here because it's not good for me
20:36mentally or emotionally to continue to
20:37engage with you and ultimately for you
20:39if you're somebody who's more like this
20:42you also need to focus on creating new
20:44Social Circles for yourself and no
20:46setting a boundary with these people
20:47doesn't make you a bad person which
20:49brings me to my last and final point
20:51which again might sound a little bit
20:53insane but nevertheless this happens
20:55going to places you know your ex will be
20:58after a break up many people find
21:00themselves justifying why they need to
21:01go to a place where they know that their
21:03ex partner will be whether it's a
21:05favorite Cafe a mutual friends party a
21:07gym the idea is that you might
21:09accidentally run into them and this
21:11could spark up a conversation or even
21:13potentially reignite that flame of the
21:15relationship however this type of
21:17behavior only amplifies negative
21:18emotions long term and can make you look
21:20kind of silly this inevitably just keeps
21:22that wound open like pouring salt on it
21:24over time and prolongs the emotional
21:26attachment and fixation on that Rel
21:28relationship in the first place this can
21:30also lead to really awkward and somewhat
21:32painful encounters especially if they've
21:33already moved on and it will keep you in
21:35this cycle of a false sense of hope so
21:38now that we've discussed all the things
21:40that we don't want to do let's talk
21:42about positive steps that you can take
21:44though some of these might be painful
21:46number one actually allow yourself to go
21:48through the grief cycle you need to
21:50allow yourself to experience all of the
21:52stages of grief this includes denial
21:54sadness anger and finally acceptance
21:57allowing yourself to feel all of the
21:59emotions in their entirety is essential
22:01for your ability to actually heal and
22:03move on crying getting angry and
22:05eventually accepting the breakup for
22:07what it is are all natural parts of the
22:09process of moving on and suppressing
22:11your emotions is only going to prolong
22:13the pain or drive behaviors that not
22:15only set yourself up to feel pain but
22:17other people as a piece of your
22:18collateral damage each stage of the
22:20grief cycle serves a purpose in the
22:22healing process while denial might help
22:24you survive the initial shock of the
22:25situation anger will give you a sense of
22:27structure bar bargaining will keep your
22:29sense of hope alive and depression may
22:31be a necessary step to confront the Deep
22:34sorrow of the Heartbreak that you're
22:35experiencing while ultimately this will
22:37move you to acceptance which allows you
22:39to move forward which means I need you
22:41to do one very important thing and that
22:43is give yourself permission to actually
22:45feel your feelings it's okay to cry
22:47scream seek out a friend vent or give
22:50yourself a mental and emotional health
22:52day it's okay to acknowledge your
22:53feelings and also let them pass
22:55naturally and if you're a man who's been
22:57taught to suppress your emotions yes
22:59there are women like this too but
23:01particularly men I just want you to know
23:02it doesn't make you weak to feel what
23:03you need to feel journaling talking to a
23:05friend or even seeking somebody to work
23:07with to help you process everything in a
23:09safe container can be the Catalyst that
23:11helps you move forward the next thing
23:13that I want to encourage you to do is
23:15actually Identify some patterns the
23:17hardest thing about changing or
23:19acknowledging pain is your role in
23:21creating the pain that happened it's
23:23important to reflect on your breakup
23:24that you went through and see if it's a
23:26part of a pattern in your underlying
23:28relationship ship choices if you can be
23:30honest with yourself without judgment CU
23:31we all have a proclivity to self- select
23:33things that are familiar not necessarily
23:35good you may see things like you
23:37choosing Partners who are consistently
23:39emotionally unavailable and this
23:41acknowledgement and acceptance can help
23:43you make better decisions around
23:44selecting a partner in the future and it
23:46also helps you see what you can improve
23:48about yourself this is also a really
23:50important time where you'll find Insight
23:52on the differences between what you want
23:54and what you actually need which brings
23:56me perfectly to my next point which
23:58which is determining what it is that you
24:00want versus what it is you actually need
24:02you need to be able to accept the fact
24:03that we all have needs and needs don't
24:05make you a burden they don't make you
24:06needy they make you human and you want
24:08to find a partner who can help you
24:10achieve those needs and is happy to
24:13actually meet them cuz if you've ever
24:14been with somebody who it felt like you
24:16had to beg for 5 minutes of attention or
24:18to be kind to you or to do anything for
24:20you or the relationship that is
24:22insufferable and I say that to somebody
24:24who's been there instead when you can
24:25sit down and say my needs are valid they
24:27are also so important and the right
24:30person will want to fill those needs for
24:32me just as I will want to fill their
24:33needs for them and I also want to point
24:35out that this can be a non-negotiable or
24:38a red line in a relationship if you're
24:40somebody who needs somebody who can
24:41commit and doesn't entertain things
24:43outside of the relationship that you've
24:44committed to stick to that boundary that
24:46is a need that you have I personally
24:48don't believe in the open relationship
24:50atmosphere that's not for me to tell you
24:52you can't do that you can do whatever
24:53you wanted to and I'm not judging you
24:54but as a person I know that mentally and
24:56emotionally I couldn't deal with that
24:58and going through this process will also
24:59help you align and set a Clear Vision of
25:02what your expectations are both from
25:04your future partner and from yourself
25:06and this will ensure that your future
25:07relationships are healthier in the
25:09dynamic between you two and
25:11significantly more satisfying the last
25:13thing and the most important thing that
25:14I feel like I need to speak on here is
25:15the fact that there is no timeline for
25:17your healing a lot of people will say
25:19just move on you should just get over
25:21it's not that big of a deal everybody
25:22goes through a heartbreak yeah and kiss
25:23my ass because I'm hurting right now I
25:25don't need your word salad your journey
25:27is your own you you can run the race at
25:29your own pace and there's no deadline
25:30for you to hit these arbitrary goals of
25:32meeting a man buying a house getting
25:34engaged getting married while there is
25:35some pressure around having children if
25:37that's what you want to have that does
25:38not mean that you should settle for a
25:40relationship that is toxic empty or
25:43unfulfilling so that brings me to the
25:44end of this video these were the 13
25:46worst behaviors that you could engage in
25:48post breakup and as I mentioned earlier
25:50if you want to understand how
25:51narcissists actually think function and
25:54choose partners then click this video
25:56and I'll see you there if not [ __ ] off
25:58bye

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