Я говорю 13 минут, а мир молчит целую бесконечность. — Transcript

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1. 0:01Hello everyone. I don’t know what
2. 0:03this video will be called. I don’t
3. 0:05know why I’m recording it. I don’t
4. 0:08know who will find it useful or not,
5. 0:10but I can't keep silent, though I
6. 0:12don’t even know what topic I’ll be
7. 0:15speaking about. Uh I am not in the best
8. 0:20state right now. I’m not exactly on
9. 0:22good terms with the outside world. It
10. 0:24seems chaotic, soulless, deaf, and
11. 0:27empty to me. I don’t know what to
12. 0:29live for. I don’t know what people
13. 0:31live for. I don’t know what to strive
14. 0:33for. I don’t know what makes sense. I
15. 0:36don’t know what matters. I’m
16. 0:39constantly thinking, I’m constantly
17. 0:41talking, I’m constantly trying to dig
18. 0:43up—well, excuse the pretentious word
19. 0:45—the truth. You know, like the writer
20. 0:48character from Tarkovsky’s film
21. 0:52Stalker, right, when you’re digging
22. 0:54something in the sand, digging and
23. 0:55digging, and you’ve almost felt it,
24. 0:57and then it disappears. And so all our
25. 1:00lives we live in a world that says
26. 1:02nothing, promises nothing, guarantees
27. 1:04nothing, in which, it seems, there is
28. 1:07nothing at all unless we invent it. And
29. 1:11this endless, endless guessing about
30. 1:14how one should live, how to live
31. 1:16rightly, what a person is, what life is
32. 1:19, and never ever getting an answer. You
33. 1:24know, it would be easier for me if life
34. 1:27were truly something hostile, something
35. 1:29disgusting, a complex enemy, where you
36. 1:32had to fight, if there were clearly
37. 1:35defined enemies. Yes, that would be
38. 1:38wonderful, but the world is different,
39. 1:41I repeat, it is simply nothing. I can
40. 1:44invent enemies for myself, I can invent
41. 1:46bad things, I can invent good things, I
42. 1:48can invent morals, I can invent
43. 1:50absolutely anything at all. Only it
44. 1:53doesn't relate to anything. You know,
45. 1:57in philosophy, there is the question of
46. 2:00whether a person can step outside their
47. 2:02own subjectivity. Can I take even a
48. 2:05glimpse at the world? Even for one
49. 2:08second, see it as it truly is, and not
50. 2:10how it appears to me, reflected there
51. 2:12through my brain, corneas, eyes, and
52. 2:14all that sort of thing. And in all of
53. 2:19this, at some point with life
54. 2:21experience, you feel an incredible
55. 2:23amount of loneliness because there are
56. 2:258 billion people on this planet with
57. 2:27you, and each has their own world, and
58. 2:30you can’t ask anyone for a path or
59. 2:32advice, because you are on different
60. 2:34planets. I remember, you know me, well,
61. 2:46those who do, I used to think that the
62. 2:49great illusion of sense and meaning is
63. 2:51love. That through love, a person can
64. 2:55believe in their own uniqueness, their
65. 2:57necessity, and in meaning. It inspires,
66. 2:59it’s a muse, it provides momentum.
67. 3:02It’s what creates life. And I’ve
68. 3:05strived for love my whole life. It
69. 3:06seemed like the most important thing to
70. 3:08me. And I remember my whole life, I
71. 3:12remember when my parents divorced. I
72. 3:17don’t believe in God, but I grew up
73. 3:20in a Chri—well, in a Slavic-Christian
74. 3:23family, like all of you, common culture
75. 3:26, you understand. I got down on my
76. 3:29knees alone in my room. I got down on
77. 3:31my knees before a prayer book. Well,
78. 3:33not a prayer book, just icons were
79. 3:35there. I got down on my knees, crying
80. 3:37incredibly hard. I was sobbing there
81. 3:39just unbelievably. And I said this: "
82. 3:43Please, God, if you exist, please,
83. 3:45I’ll give everything, I’ll do
84. 3:47anything, please, let my parents love
85. 3:49each other." Emptiness. No answer at
86. 3:56all. And, of course, you can say: "God
87. 4:00isn’t some kind of nice guy." Yeah,
88. 4:03this whole thing about us picturing him
89. 4:05as some little man or giving him
90. 4:07subjectivity or something else. But
91. 4:09whatever, I realized that God
92. 4:10absolutely does not care about the life
93. 4:12of this boy from a small town or his
94. 4:14family. That’s it, I realized, fine.
95. 4:16But for me either God doesn't exist, or
96. 4:22I don't want to know him. And at the
97. 4:30moment my parents split up, well,
98. 4:32I’ll say it again, no pity, I’m not
99. 4:34asking anyone to feel sorry for me.
100. 4:37Hell, 90%of our country is out there
101. 4:39without moms or dads, and they live
102. 4:41just fine. But damn, I just wanted love
103. 4:48so much. I wanted it so—not this, you
104. 4:53know, not this market-based, earned, or
105. 4:57whatever version. Look around. It’s
106. 5:01amazing how a guy is 40, 50, 60, and
107. 5:03the girl is 20, 22, 23, 24. Must be
108. 5:07true love. Well, that’s just how it
109. 5:10happens, damn it. Everything is for
110. 5:12sale, everything is bought. There is no
111. 5:14—damn it, this is just some kind of
112. 5:17nonsense. And I have a billion such
113. 5:19grievances against the world. But it
114. 5:21looks like some offended little boy
115. 5:24throwing a tantrum into space. And I
116. 5:26perfectly understand how that looks.
117. 5:28Just one of 8 billion born, now wanting
118. 5:30something from it. But damn, I want to
119. 5:33take, I don't know, a fork and fight
120. 5:34the outside world, at least with a fork
121. 5:36. Even though I don't want to
122. 5:38compromise with it. It seems disgusting
123. 5:41to me, it seems soulless to me. I mean
124. 5:43the world, I repeat, not the people.
125. 5:45People, well, what can you do with them
126. 5:46? They appeared just the same way I did
127. 5:48. They adapt too, and all that, but
128. 5:51they adapt to this world even if they
129. 5:53become bad, evil people. And please,
130. 6:04when we talk about God, well, first of
131. 6:06all, we live in a secular state, I have
132. 6:08the right to express my opinion. Well,
133. 6:10I sort of do. And many people say, yes,
134. 6:13that without good there would be no
135. 6:15evil. That's all because, well, God
136. 6:17gave us the right to choose. If we knew
137. 6:20, if we only knew the good, we wouldn't
138. 6:22be able to appreciate it, you know, or
139. 6:24we wouldn't be able to define it. Super
140. 6:26. [ __ ] awesome. So, if you didn't
141. 6:29know what war, weapons, violence,
142. 6:31murder, hunger, poverty were, would you
143. 6:34feel worse? That is just nonsense. Well
144. 6:36, it's just total nonsense. I, I don't
145. 6:47understand what I should strive for.
146. 6:50Just to be more successful, more
147. 6:53popular, richer, to what end? To buy a
148. 6:58girl, a house, and a car. Fine. You
149. 7:05could say, you could say: "Well, earn
150. 7:07money to give to charity." Fine, I give
151. 7:11to charity for other people. And what
152. 7:13are they supposed to do? Also give to
153. 7:16charity. So we're just going to toss
154. 7:18money back and forth. Easy, easy, easy,
155. 7:19easy, easy, easy. Well, damn, some kind
156. 7:22of What the [ __ ] is this? What is this?
157. 7:28I understand perfectly. I understand
158. 7:30perfectly. I am a human, a psyche. So
159. 7:32this kind of trauma happened. I am
160. 7:34going through it. Going through it for
161. 7:37an absurdly long time or something else
162. 7:39. Well then poo-poo-poo. I remember. Ah
163. 7:55, well okay, since we're already, let's
164. 7:59, let's open up completely, right? I've
165. 8:03already told a lot. I remember when I
166. 8:06was dumped, these last relationships, I
167. 8:09was dumped, damn, I was lying on the
168. 8:11floor. I'm lying on the floor in snot,
169. 8:14in tears, with a [ __ ] bottle of beer
170. 8:17. And it's incredible, it's incredible,
171. 8:20it's like I'm dying a thousand times a
172. 8:23second. I feel disgusting. I just look
173. 8:26like, well, I didn't look like, no, I,
174. 8:29damn, when I remember it, I start to
175. 8:31shiver. Despite the fact that, well,
176. 8:35I'm a sensitive young man, sort of,
177. 8:37yeah, but I'm not some kind of total
178. 8:40weakling, or, uh, lacking a backbone or
179. 8:42anything. But, but this—it's so
180. 8:47painful, it's [ __ ] up. I don't know
181. 8:51how I survived. I don’t know how I
182. 8:53survived. It’s a real miracle. And
183. 9:00now, after this, after surviving by a
184. 9:03miracle, they tell me: "Try again, you
185. 9:09were just unlucky." And this biological
186. 9:21determinism also pisses me off—that I
187. 9:24am a human and I mostly live by some
188. 9:27biological program. It's not a fact
189. 9:31that the people I'm drawn to, that I'm
190. 9:33actually drawn to them, and not just my
191. 9:35brain, my neurons, or some genetic
192. 9:37predispositions. What I do, what I say,
193. 9:41what excites me, what moves me—it's
194. 9:44all genetically predetermined. And
195. 9:48where am I, anyway? What is "me"? Well,
196. 9:53what is "me"? Let's cast aside the
197. 9:55stereotypes. I don’t know, like,
198. 9:59blogger, athlete, man, or, say,
199. 10:01nationality. But what is "me"? If
200. 10:06that's me, then where are a million
201. 10:08questions and zero answers? And all I
202. 10:12can do is just, well, live in some
203. 10:15illusions that, more or less, uh, well,
204. 10:18somehow relax me. Oh, I need to walk
205. 10:24around. And and I cannot be reproached
206. 10:41for painting everything black or
207. 10:47anything else, or maybe I can. Well, I
208. 10:50tried, damn it, how I tried to justify
209. 10:53the world, how I tried for harmony,
210. 10:55somehow with understanding toward all
211. 10:58of this. And it looks like I lost. I
212. 11:02don’t know how to be a good person in
213. 11:03this world. I just don’t understand.
214. 11:05Right now, to me, kindness is worse
215. 11:07than theft. Isn't that how they say it,
216. 11:09or is it "simplicity is worse than
217. 11:11theft," I don't remember. me I remember
218. 11:21, I remember this phrase about what
219. 11:23distinguishes a hero from a villain,
220. 11:25right? The hero, having endured, I
221. 11:28don't know, some heavy torments, says
222. 11:30he will do everything in his power so
223. 11:32that no one else has to experience it.
224. 11:35And the villain says: "I will do
225. 11:37everything so that everyone [ __ ]
226. 11:38experiences this pain." I always
227. 11:40thought I’d choose the first option,
228. 11:42but in reality, I just want everyone to
229. 11:44experience what I experienced. I’m
230. 11:47not proud of this, it’s clearly bad,
231. 11:49but I want it so [ __ ] much. I just
232. 11:53want people to understand how shitty it
233. 11:56was for me, how disgusting it felt. I
234. 11:59literally came back from the dead,
235. 12:00dammit, like someone who wasn't
236. 12:02supposed to survive. And all this
237. 12:06because a person I loved, knowing I was
238. 12:12dying, did nothing. No, you understand,
239. 12:19I’m not—the point here isn't even
240. 12:21about that specific person, but about
241. 12:24...And so, the main question.