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10 David Mitchell MELTDOWNS | Would I Lie To You? — Transcript

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0:00That's what happens to your mind. If you
0:02think it's a lie, you need to say that
0:04we used to make steel. This is why
0:06education is so important.
0:09>> I am not and will never be a member of
0:12any WhatsApp group.
0:16>> Please team.
0:18So still no friends.
0:21>> What? What? Have you got a phone?
0:26>> Yes, I've got a phone. Yeah. Yeah.
0:27>> Why won't you have it? because it's
0:30horrible.
0:32On my wife's phone, I hear these
0:34messages coming making that horrible
0:36noise that to me sounds sort of mildly
0:39carinogenic.
0:41You know, people sort of asking a
0:43question and everyone go, I don't know.
0:44Oh, yeah. So, good. Oh, yeah. Hi. Yeah.
0:47What? People have got to stop
0:49communicating. It's not good for us.
0:53And the phone's endlessly going just
0:56making another noise and another noise
0:58and another noise. It's someone going,
0:59"Yeah, great." or "Well done." Or
1:01nothing. Well, nothing. No need. No need
1:04for anyone to share this. This could be
1:06this is just like every a nod from one
1:08person to another in the street is as it
1:11were shared with 50 other people who all
1:13have to go, "Oh, right. That doesn't
1:15matter." You know, it's it's it's
1:17destroying us.
1:19Somebody told me that they were staying
1:22in a hotel and if you wanted anything
1:25from reception,
1:26>> you had to WhatsApp them.
1:28>> Yeah. Yeah.
1:29>> I would just die in that hotel room.
1:32>> I would die of malnutrition. They'd have
1:35to prize my skeletal remains of the
1:38mattress.
1:41You can't ring down to reception. You've
1:43got to WhatsApp them.
1:49Josie, I would imagine you're you're at
1:52it all the time.
1:54>> I wish.
1:55>> You're not.
1:56>> No. No. No. On WhatsApp. Um I am because
2:02>> that's what I meant. So what are we
2:04going to say? I mean, he's passionate
2:06about this.
2:06>> He's passionate and I can I can I I
2:09>> um after listening to him, I'm going to
2:11delete mine and all.
2:13>> I think he's telling the truth and I'm
2:14going to uh delete it.
2:16>> Thank you.
2:16>> You know what? After listening to David,
2:18I don't want to speak to anyone ever
2:19again.
2:22>> But yeah, I think I think it's true.
2:24>> So, you're going to say it's true? Okay,
2:26>> David. Truth or lie?
2:29>> It is of course true.
2:31[Applause]
2:34>> For the past 15 years, I have performed
2:38my own dentistry
2:45David's team.
2:47So,
2:49>> give us a big grin.
2:52>> It could be true.
2:57>> I know. I'm not You're implying I'm a
2:59bad dentist.
3:00>> No, because even very very very good
3:03dentists sometimes get someone else to
3:06do their teeth.
3:08>> When I And by sometimes I of course mean
3:11always.
3:14>> How do you do that? Like do you what do
3:17you do?
3:18>> Yeah. Well, no. The the key to it is I I
3:21don't I don't do extractions. I haven't
3:24had to. I haven't
3:25>> fillings.
3:26>> I do fillings. I do fillings, crown
3:28replacements.
3:30>> I I repair bridges.
3:34>> I
3:36specifically I don't do so don't ask
3:38Stacy. I don't do implants.
3:41>> I don't do root.
3:43>> You drill. I do have a drill I use.
3:45>> You have to to do a filling. You got to
3:47drill it out first.
3:48>> Exactly. Yeah.
3:49>> Do you use local anesthetics?
3:50>> Yeah.
3:50>> No. No need.
3:52>> No need.
3:52>> No need.
3:53>> Why? Because it's not true.
3:57>> The situation in my mouth is I have one
4:00very long piece of teeth. That white bit
4:02there. That's all one piece. Yeah.
4:04>> What? One tooth.
4:08>> One piece.
4:10>> Made to look like many teeth.
4:12>> Oh, it is.
4:13That's false teeth.
4:15>> Yes. Okay.
4:16>> Either end of this I have two what you
4:18call crowns. Yeah. Right at the end at
4:21the bottom I have my own teeth here as
4:23my dentist says. My bottom ones are papa
4:25don color. Yeah. And my top ones are paw
4:28rice.
4:30>> Well, who said that?
4:32>> My dentist.
4:33>> So this was some time ago.
4:35>> No, no, no. I pro David
4:37>> 15 years.
4:38>> I do I perform my own dentistry. Yeah,
4:41>> there's no exclusivity there.
4:43>> You still have a a dentist, but you just
4:45don't you don't let him do all the
4:48stuff.
4:48>> Yes.
4:49>> Why is your mouth in such a state?
4:52>> Because I used to I used to have 17
4:54sugars in a cup of coffee or tea.
4:57>> 17.
4:58>> 17? Yeah.
4:59>> 17 in a mug?
5:00>> Yes. If I had 18, it's too sweet for me.
5:06>> So, the crowns would come off. I'd go to
5:08the dentist. Yeah. He charged me three
5:10400 quid. Yeah. To put them back in. And
5:13it's it's outrageous. And I heard this
5:16magic word. I heard him say to his
5:18dental nurse, Fuji 9.
5:22Fuji 9. And I became aware that this
5:25Fuji 9, it's actually a looting cement,
5:29>> which means you can use it.
5:30>> Are you sure you wasn't halfway through
5:31a Japanese football resource?
5:34>> You can actually use it. It mixed one to
5:36one, the liquid and the powder. It's a
5:38cement. Yeah. Mix two part liquid.
5:41>> Yeah.
5:42>> Then it becomes more malleable for
5:44fillings. I found a way via my TV work
5:46to get hold of some Fuji 9.
5:49>> Once you have Fuji 9,
5:52>> you are a dentist.
5:56>> What equipment do you have then? All I
5:58have is my Fuji 9 with it with its
6:01little orange spoon with a bigger end
6:04and a littleer end
6:05>> for the different amounts depending on
6:07whether you want the 50/50 or the 2 to1.
6:09>> That's Fuji 9. It's all done for you.
6:12It's done for you.
6:14>> It's magic. It's magic.
6:15>> But it's magic.
6:16>> It's like your the cement is softer than
6:19your teeth. Yeah. So I have a um a
6:22leather makers drill. Yeah. Um
6:28leather makaker's drill.
6:29>> Ah, yes. A leather maker's drill because
6:30that has um sanding fitments to grind it
6:35down. You got to check your bite after
6:36you after you fix the crown. If you get
6:38it a bit wonky, your bite won't be
6:40right. So, you have to
6:42>> file the Fuji down to Oh, that bite's
6:44nice. Now, that's the other thing you've
6:46got to check after your own doing your
6:47own dentistry is your mental health.
6:51>> Do you not need one of those special
6:52lights?
6:53>> Kitchen Island. I've got a kitchen
6:55island. It's nice. It's nice to have a
6:57kitchen island, isn't it? And it has a
6:58big It's the only place with a big light
7:00over it. So, I got My son has a
7:03PlayStation seat that's very low back
7:05like that.
7:07>> Seat.
7:08>> Yeah. It's a gamer's seat. And I put
7:10that on the kitchen island.
7:12>> On the kitchen island.
7:13>> You put it on the island. So, you're up
7:15high on the island.
7:17>> Yes. Because then that puts the lamp
7:18about there. And so, you're you're in a
7:22PlayStation gamer seat balancing. on
7:24what's the surface of the kitchen
7:26island?
7:26>> Uh, do you know? I think it's Coran.
7:28It's very nice. Coran was originally
7:30what was used for autopsy surfaces
7:32again. So,
7:33>> are you doing your own autopsies at home
7:34as well?
7:37>> What to say,
7:38>> Bob? The dog's dead. Bring it in.
7:39>> Bring it in.
7:41>> So, if I was to say this, the hardest
7:44thing is is somewhere to hold the
7:45mirror.
7:46>> I think the hardest thing is to tell the
7:47story. Well,
7:49>> I have the most curved Indian instrument
7:54called a samashi or something. And if I
7:57put it next to me on my gaming thing,
7:58the curve of it, it's a like a flute
8:00thing. The curve of it goes there and I
8:03can put my mirror there like that. Got
8:05the light there. Game thing.
8:10>> Sorry. You you hang the mirror on the
8:13end of a curvaceious Indian musical
8:16instrument. Yes, but this is very
8:18specific.
8:21>> So, what's it going to be?
8:22>> There's a I mean there's a lot of
8:24detail.
8:24>> Yeah.
8:25>> If he was trying to make this story
8:27plausible, why would he say the way I
8:29set up the mirror is that I tie it to
8:32the end of an Indian musical
8:33>> in Do you remember Bob being on this
8:35show before?
8:36>> Yes. And it's always true.
8:40>> It's true about the the masks in Castle
8:43Douglas. It was true about him being
8:45able to tear an apple apart with his
8:47bear. It was true about the game in the
8:50gardens.
8:51>> Well, look, whether or not it's true,
8:53and we don't know yet. Uh, don't try it
8:55at home. I I I
8:57do extractions. Well,
8:59>> I've never done an extraction
9:00>> cuz I genuinely had an extraction
9:02yesterday.
9:04>> Oh, they've not used Fuj.
9:07[Applause]
9:12>> All right. So, what you going to do?
9:14>> I think it's true.
9:15>> You think it's what?
9:16>> I think it's true.
9:19>> So,
9:21Bob, is it the truth or is it a lie?
9:24>> It is
9:26>> true.
9:33>> Possession.
9:33>> Ah, there's a box under the desk. Just
9:36pop the box on the desk and then there's
9:37a card inside it. Before you take out
9:39the possession, just read the card,
9:41please.
9:43This is one of the pairs of leg warmers
9:46for birds that I have made.
9:50I would have brought more, but birds are
9:52using them.
9:54Would you show us these leg warmers?
10:04>> I live uh beside the canal and the uh
10:07the swans are very unhappy around there.
10:11swans.
10:12>> You've tried to put a leg warmer on a
10:14swamp.
10:16>> He wasn't trying to. He succeeded.
10:18>> How the hell did
10:20>> a swan?
10:23>> So, they're trying to feed it over the
10:25webbing and he doesn't get a great big
10:29on. Everyone knows about this, but if
10:31you befriend the swan,
10:34>> the first thing you know you befriend
10:36the swan when the wings go up like that.
10:38And then generally the next thing they
10:40go like that as in make make me leg
10:42warmers. That's it.
10:44>> They are swans,
10:46>> David. They would break your arm if you
10:48went near them.
10:49>> Famously.
10:51That's what they do.
10:54>> They break your arm and then the queen
10:56eats them.
10:56>> Yes.
10:58How do you get them over the feet?
11:00>> If you put if you put your hand like
11:01that and then try
11:03>> try and get over there.
11:05>> It's like OJ Simpson. Stick it on there.
11:07That's a swan.
11:08>> That's a swan.
11:09>> That's a swan.
11:10>> With the swan, it's all about authority.
11:11So, watch this.
11:16>> No.
11:18>> They're web. They're
11:19>> no good.
11:20>> Yeah. Yeah.
11:21>> That's going to hurt the swan. You've
11:23just ripped through it webbing. You
11:25know, when you said swan at the
11:26beginning.
11:27>> Yeah.
11:27>> Did you mean sparrow?
11:32>> David, it's time to take a guess. I
11:34mean, I don't know which way you're
11:35going to go on this. Maybe a swan could
11:39be able to slip that over its foot. And
11:42maybe a swan would derive tremendous
11:44warmth from this incredibly thin and
11:47flimsy and short piece of material going
11:50an inconsiderable distance up its really
11:53rather long leg.
11:55>> I think it's true.
11:56>> Don't say that.
11:57>> Don't cuz that's the sort of that's what
12:00happens to your mind in this game. you
12:03say and you start thinking, "Oh, yeah,
12:04of course." The the fact that he said
12:06swan and it seems impossible is exactly
12:09what's so plausible about it.
12:12>> If you people don't start taking this a
12:14bit more seriously, I'm going to bring
12:16my uncle Ian out here again.
12:19>> So, what are you going to go for?
12:21>> I think we're going to say lie.
12:22>> Lie saying it's a lie.
12:23>> I'd just like to say Rob.
12:25>> Yes.
12:26>> If it's true.
12:27>> Yes.
12:27>> I don't care.
12:30David, truth or lie, I'm afraid my tale
12:34of swan leg warmers
12:37is a lie.
12:39Who would have thought it? Who would
12:41have thought it?
12:42>> I once booked a holiday to Costa Rica
12:44because I thought it was in Spain.
12:50I only realized my mistake when I sat
12:53down on the plane.
12:55>> David,
12:57where is Costa Rica?
12:59It's in
13:01between um America and South America.
13:06>> Okay.
13:06>> Central America they call it.
13:08>> Sorry. Central America. Yeah.
13:10>> And you realize when you sat down on the
13:12plane?
13:13>> Yes.
13:13>> What made you realize?
13:14>> When you sit down on a plane, it has a
13:16chair in front of you, unless you're the
13:17pilot. And um it has like a little
13:20square on it with the map that you're
13:22going to go on and it says how long the
13:24flight is going to be. And this flight
13:25said 14 and a half hours which I thought
13:28was a long time to get to Spain
13:32and
13:32>> suddenly you're a geography expert.
13:35>> Anyway, um so it had all of the dots and
13:38the dots were going away from Europe to
13:41Central America.
13:42>> And who were you with
13:44>> on my myself? By myself.
13:45>> Where were you going at the time? Was
13:46this a holiday?
13:47>> Um yes, I was going to do a yoga
13:50retreat. And when you booked the
13:51flights, was there no information about
13:54the landing time?
13:56>> No, I booked the holiday, and this is
13:58bad on a lunch break on my iPhone while
14:01crying.
14:02>> So, I was paying so little attention,
14:06>> okay?
14:06>> I just broken up with my boyfriend and
14:09um and I and the only time I had off
14:11work was Christmas and New Year. I
14:14decided that rather than being sad in
14:16the UK, I was going to go away and do
14:19something like really healthy.
14:21>> So, how did Costa Rica come into the
14:23picture?
14:23>> Well, I was googling yoga retreats and
14:24when it said Costa Rica
14:25>> and in your mind, you've always
14:27associated Costa Rica. Oh, I see. Costa
14:30del Well, there is a logic to it.
14:33>> Of course.
14:34>> Okay. And so,
14:36>> I love the way you do that.
14:37>> I love the way you turned as if it was
14:39them that didn't quite understand that.
14:42Did you get that from the office?
14:43>> I think Rob I'm going to break the news
14:45gently. You're the only one in the room
14:46that hadn't actually thought.
14:48>> I hadn't I hadn't I hadn't put two and
14:50two together.
14:51>> Do you make this mistake all the time
14:52that when you go to Costa Coffee, do you
14:53think that was a lot quicker than
14:57it?
14:58>> Yeah. The first time. The first time.
15:02>> Now, what was it like Costa Rica? Um
15:05because it's not in Spain. There's lots
15:06of different insects and scorpions that
15:09we don't have in Europe that we've
15:11banished and they've all gone they've
15:14all gone to Costa Rica.
15:16>> What insects do you remember?
15:18>> Tarantulas.
15:19>> They're not insects. They're arachnids.
15:21>> All right, David. Okay.
15:23>> Oh, let's be factually inaccurate, shall
15:24we? Because that never causes any
15:26problem as you enter the 9inth hour of
15:28your flight.
15:31>> Spiders are not insects. Costa Rica is
15:34not in Spain. Okay,
15:35>> this is why education is so important.
15:40>> All of a sudden,
15:44>> I've just got one more question. Did you
15:46see any monkeys?
15:47>> Yes.
15:47>> What kind?
15:49>> Black and white ones.
15:51>> This has all been noted. Continue.
15:53>> Did that Did that help the monkeys?
15:56>> Do you remember how you paid for it?
15:58>> On a debit card. Things are going fine.
16:00Did
16:03>> did you not think it's a little bit over
16:05the the Spanish budget?
16:07>> No, I didn't actually. There's a couple
16:08of factors just to take into
16:10consideration. Number one, it was over
16:12Christmas New Year, so everything's much
16:14more expensive.
16:14>> You were going away for Christmas on
16:16your own to a yoga.
16:18>> Just split up with a boy. Show some
16:21sympathy.
16:22>> Oh, girl. But you don't want to be You
16:24don't want to be on your own at
16:25Christmas.
16:26>> Don't fall for this. It's the classic
16:27bride and
16:31Yes, I do. Yes, I do.
16:34>> I've got a flat in the center of town.
16:38>> All right. What do you think? Is she
16:39telling the truth?
16:40>> I've got a few problems with this. I
16:42think you can get there faster than 14.5
16:45hours. And they and there are howler
16:46monkeys everywhere. That's why I asked
16:48her the monkey question.
16:49>> Are they black and white?
16:51>> No.
16:52>> Oh. What color is a howler monkey?
16:54>> Sort of. I'm going to say russet.
16:56>> You used to be russet, didn't you,
16:57Steve?
16:58[Applause]
17:05certain areas still a bit.
17:10>> So,
17:11>> what are you thinking?
17:11>> I don't I don't What do you think?
17:13>> I actually now think it's a lie. I'm
17:15with you.
17:16>> We'll go lie. So, Sarah, was it true or
17:19was it a lie?
17:21>> It was
17:23true.
17:28possession.
17:29>> Right. There's a box under the desk,
17:30Lee. Uh, now I'd like you to take the
17:32item out of the box and hold the object.
17:35Then read the card out, please.
17:39>> This is my DBER. I donated it to the
17:41British Lawn Mower Museum where it is
17:43now a permanent exhibit.
17:47>> Uh, David, what is a dber?
17:49>> What's a dber? Uh, a dber. That's a good
17:52question, David. And would you believe
17:54me if I was to say I don't know. But
17:58it's a it's a
18:01>> Yes, I would. I'm for you. That's
18:09>> Yeah,
18:11any of these
18:17it's to do with gardening.
18:21So, what does your dber do?
18:23>> What does your dber do?
18:24>> Are you Are you Fred Flintstone?
18:29>> Answer the question. What is your dber
18:31do?
18:34>> Not 100% sure, but I guess I would say
18:37that a dber is for pushing holes in the
18:40in the ground.
18:40>> Yeah.
18:41>> And then maybe popping something in
18:42there like a seed.
18:44>> I see. How did your dber come to be in
18:46the British Lmo Museum? Um, I'll tell
18:49you, Inspector Morse, have you ever been
18:51to Southport, my hometown?
18:53>> Uh, I have. Yes.
18:54>> Oh, great.
18:57Can I start again?
19:00>> Yes. Right. I have never been to the
19:03British law. I I was online. I was
19:06online.
19:07>> But it is in South Paul.
19:08>> It is in South Paul. That's true. And I
19:10did see it online. What did you put into
19:12Google that that came up?
19:14>> Uh, well, you don't want to know that.
19:17But I noticed on the website there was a
19:19bit that said that the the tools of the
19:21rich and famous. Famous tools. That's
19:23what I t
19:26>> There is actually I do know for a fact
19:28that there is a British lawn mo museum
19:31because I myself have donated a tel. You
19:34haven't.
19:34>> I have honestly Rob. I donated a tel.
19:37>> What is
19:39museum?
19:40>> Surely they want a lawn mower.
19:43>> So you saw the lawn mower museum online.
19:46list of celebrity artifacts.
19:48>> There was quite a few. There was the
19:49Brian May um from Queen had given a lawn
19:52mower. Joe Pasquali had given a
19:53strimmer.
19:55>> So what what happened then?
19:57>> I thought that'd be a nice thing to do,
19:58wouldn't it? Cuz it's my hometown.
20:00>> You decide you saw that and you thought
20:01I want a piece of that.
20:03>> I want a piece of the action. Prince
20:04Charles, he gave something.
20:05>> This is where the story is falling apart
20:06cuz one is as
20:07>> No, that's not where the story is
20:08falling apart.
20:10>> But one is asked to donate to. You know,
20:13>> I wanted to donate something. I thought
20:14it'd be quite nice to have something of
20:16mine cuz it's my hometown.
20:17>> So, you picked up the phone?
20:19>> I picked up the phone. You're still
20:20doubting my abilities, either.
20:21>> It is not.
20:24>> It is not your ability to make a phone
20:26call.
20:27>> The phone.
20:29>> Are you seriously saying that the fact
20:32that you could have physically made this
20:34phone call means I should believe that
20:35you did?
20:38>> You say, "Look, I could have made the
20:39call. I'm physically capable. Therefore,
20:40it happened." David, end of story. I
20:42picked up the phone. I phoned them up. I
20:44said, "I'd like to donate something."
20:45You said, "What have you got?" I said,
20:46"Uh, duper."
20:48>> You knew its name.
20:49>> Well, actually, I I Yes.
20:50>> You knew its name, but you didn't know
20:52what it was for.
20:52>> That's actually not true. I said
20:54>> So, what did you say?
20:55>> I took advice before the phone call.
20:57>> From whom?
20:57>> From who?
20:58>> From who?
20:59>> I'm not doing it if you put an M at the
21:00end.
21:00>> All right. From who?
21:02>> Thank you.
21:03>> Who's putting the M at the end? Do you
21:05know what I mean? No one anymore.
21:06>> Who did you take advice from?
21:09>> I You found a thing in the shed. You
21:11didn't know you owned it. You didn't
21:12know what it was. Who did you ask about
21:14it? You want to know from who? I want to
21:17I want to know who you asked about that
21:19object in order to find out what it was
21:21called. I shall tell you.
21:22>> Well, please. David. David Tenant. Or as
21:25I call him, Doctor Who.
21:26>> You asked.
21:28You asked Doctor Who. Doctor Who.
21:33>> Who did you ask? Tom Baker.
21:37There are 7 billion humans on Earth.
21:40Please, let's not eliminate them one by
21:42one.
21:44I I asked my wife.
21:46>> So, David, what do you think? Is Lee
21:49telling the truth or is he lying to us?
21:50>> Dale,
21:51>> I don't believe a word of it.
21:53>> If it is true, it's one of the best
21:55acting performances I think I've ever
21:56seen. You
21:57>> think it's true?
21:58>> If it's true,
21:58>> do you think you think it's true?
21:59>> No, I do not. No, it's a lie.
22:01>> Okay, David, what do you say?
22:02>> You think it's a lie?
22:03>> You think it's a lie? Okay. Uh, Lee,
22:05truth or lie?
22:08>> It is in fact
22:11>> true. Oh,
22:16[Applause]
22:18>> last year I was ordered to leave
22:19Blackpool Tower after I threw a sausage
22:21roll off the top.
22:25>> How were you discovered? Did someone see
22:27you up?
22:28>> Security was at the top
22:29>> and saw you. Why did you throw it?
22:31>> Well, because I'm a Norvin. Um,
22:35>> I just thought the bin's over. You know,
22:36the bin was not inside.
22:38>> Why didn't you finish it?
22:39>> Because actually, I'd already had one.
22:41This was my second. I was halfway
22:42through it and I thought, "No more for
22:44me."
22:46They hot sausage rolls.
22:50You I'll give you the accurate heat of
22:52how they were this hot.
23:01>> Why did you throw it off the top? You're
23:02there. There's security there. It's a
23:04horrible thing to do. someone. How fast
23:06is a hot or even quite hot sausage roll
23:09going to be moving by the time it was
23:13obese child on the prominard having a
23:16miserable time on holiday in Blackpool
23:18of all places and then he's just heard
23:21about the divorce of his parents and can
23:23find himself with another load of high
23:25sugar snacks and the next thing he knows
23:27a walish sausage roll hits him slap in
23:31the face. My name is trying to eat the
23:34second sausage roll.
23:42>> David, let us have a guess.
23:44>> Fair.
23:45>> I don't
23:46>> I don't I
23:47>> I don't think he would.
23:48>> I think it's a lie.
23:49>> I think we think this is a lie.
23:51>> You all agreed it's a lie?
23:53>> It's a lie.
23:53>> Okay, Lee, is it the truth or is it a
23:56lie?
23:57>> It's actually a lie.
24:01For my 50th birthday, Simon Carl gave me
24:04a livesized painting of himself.
24:07>> David Ste.
24:09>> Oh, wow.
24:10>> Is it on A4?
24:15>> Describe the painting.
24:16>> See, he's wearing like a blue cashmere
24:19sweater.
24:20>> Yes.
24:20>> You It's only like from the waist up,
24:22>> but you couldn't see the high trousers.
24:26>> And what have you done with it? Too big
24:28for a shredder.
24:29It's
24:30>> I have it in in storage.
24:33>> You have in storage.
24:36>> Is that what you call landfill? Very
24:38good.
24:39>> That was made up. You wouldn't say it
24:41was just from the waist up.
24:43>> I think you'd imagine it was a
24:44fulllength picture.
24:46>> I see.
24:46>> So, it's the fact that she said it's
24:48just from the waist up makes me think
24:49it's true. Ivo, what are you going to
24:51say? David's, if I may say, rant about
24:55waist up portraits has made me very
24:57scared to get it wrong. So, I'm going to
24:59say that it's a lie. My rant, as you
25:02call it, was saying that that's what
25:04gave the story very similitude.
25:07>> I do not understand that.
25:10>> You think it's a lie? If you think it's
25:12a lie, you need to say that.
25:14>> No, David, it's as though you're
25:16dropping him off on his first day at
25:17uni. and you're you're giving him some
25:20of the hard facts of life.
25:22>> Now, if you're going to represent our
25:24family in this university,
25:27>> things you're going to have to know.
25:31Do I go
25:35sometimes?
25:38Sometimes when you arrive in a room,
25:40sometimes when I've been with you and
25:41we've been out and about, you'll arrive
25:42in a room and you will slightly go
25:52You did ask.
25:54I vote.
25:55>> I wasn't sure, but I think David's point
25:58about the portrait with the the waist
25:59up, you you couldn't make that up. I
26:02think it's true.
26:04>> And Johnny, you take you,
26:09>> right, Senita? You've convinced them.
26:11They think it's true. Was it true or was
26:13it a lie? It was a lie.
26:19>> I'm so sorry.
26:23>> Uh, at school I used to regularly pay my
26:26friend to clean my rubbers.
26:32>> You used to pay your friends to clean
26:34your rubbers.
26:35>> It was just one friend.
26:37>> How dirty can a rubber get?
26:38>> Nobody cleans. They get dirty, my
26:40friend.
26:40>> Do they?
26:41>> Oh, yes.
26:42>> What? What? Full of what? Just lead
26:43mainly
26:44>> full of Yeah. lead.
26:45>> Don't you rub a dirty rubber against a
26:47clean piece of paper. It sort of cleans
26:48itself.
26:49>> No, what you're describing is the action
26:50of cleaning a rubber. Yeah, that is how
26:53you clean a rubber. It's not the same as
26:55it cleans itself. That's like saying,
26:57why do you need to clean a car? You just
26:58wipe it all over and it cleans itself.
27:06>> 10 years.
27:07>> What is your
27:08>> 10 years of this kind of bullying?
27:12What was your friend's name?
27:14>> Um, Edis.
27:16>> What? Ed?
27:16>> What?
27:17>> Eders. It's a Turkish name.
27:18>> How old were you?
27:19>> Uh, like as primary school, so probably
27:22like 10.
27:22>> So 10 years old. And why couldn't you
27:24just done that action of just rubbing it
27:26against a black piece of paper to just
27:27>> Well, he did it as like a service to
27:29everyone.
27:29>> How much did you pay him?
27:30>> Uh, like a pound a rub.
27:32>> A pound. Pound a rug.
27:33>> How? Yeah.
27:34>> Why couldn't you have done it yourself?
27:36I'm confused.
27:36>> Because it used to have like a nice
27:38smell when when you had it back. Woah,
27:40woah. What was this magical smell coming
27:42from?
27:42>> Well, that's the thing. We didn't know
27:43until we got
27:44>> Did you never see if I was giving a man
27:45a rubber and he went away and he came
27:48back and went, "That smells
27:49differently." I would say, "Why does it
27:52smell differently?" I would just leave
27:54it at that and go, "That's different."
27:55Yeah. Here's a pound.
27:56>> He just said he found out years later.
27:58>> He was using like car air freshener to
28:00spray it.
28:01>> Oh,
28:01>> it was a great service. So you if like
28:03you were cool if you had a fresh rubber.
28:08>> But how much would a new rubber have
28:09cost?
28:11>> Probably about 10p.
28:13>> How many times did you pay him a pound
28:15to clean your rubber?
28:16>> Like probably happened like once every
28:18two months or something like
28:19>> what? So and this went on for how long?
28:21>> For ages. Like I'll treat myself.
28:23>> And he was doing
28:25get it nice. I get the rubber nicely
28:27cleaned and scented for the weekend.
28:33Did Eddies clean any other stationary
28:37items?
28:39>> Um, not that I can remember, but he used
28:41to do something else with stationary,
28:42but I can't remember what that was.
28:44>> He didn't sharpen your pencils in a very
28:46interesting way.
28:48>> It was something like he would organize
28:50your pencil case, but I can't remember.
28:52>> Organize your pencil.
28:56>> I'm picturing Edis with a little suit in
28:57a briefcase.
28:59>> Hello, guys. How you doing? It's me
29:00again. Dennis, I'm here to clean your
29:02rabbers or organize yours.
29:06You're in the corner going, "Oh, hang
29:07on, girls. I was chatting you up, but I
29:09want to sort out your pencil case." Just
29:12that's exactly where the economy is
29:14going, isn't it? Nobody makes things
29:15anymore. We just provide pointless
29:17services. I'm a party planner. I'm a
29:20pencil case organizer. I shout on panel
29:22shows. We used to make steel.
29:31What's it going to be?
29:33>> Look, the thing is
29:35during my one, which was true, I started
29:38thinking it was a lie.
29:45So, I don't I I haven't got a clue
29:47anymore. I I I actually kind of think it
29:49sounds true, but then for that reason, I
29:52want to say it's a lie.
29:54>> You've been a big help. Thank you.
30:01Kevin,
30:02>> my my my guts saying true. What's your
30:05gut saying?
30:06>> Go on, let's go true.
30:07>> You're going to say true, Melvin?
30:09>> It is.
30:09>> Was it true or was it a lie?
30:12>> It is true.
30:15[Music]
30:19I was so sure that wombles were real, I
30:22used one as an example of a mammal in a
30:24GCSE biology exam.
30:31>> How could it be true? How could it be
30:32relief?
30:33>> But which one did you draw? What did he
30:35look like?
30:36>> I didn't draw anything that wasn't in
30:37the question list to give an example of
30:40a mammal.
30:41>> Oh, you used it. Just wrote it down. I
30:42gave I gave it was give three examples
30:45of mammals and I said bear cuz that's an
30:48obvious one.
30:49>> Whale bit less obvious. Clever and WBLE
30:53was my third example.
30:54>> How how old were you at the time?
30:57>> Uh uh 15.
30:58>> What you looking at David for?
31:01>> What grade did you get then?
31:03>> A.
31:03>> You got A's even though you think Wall's
31:05a mammal.
31:05>> I should I should make clear that I
31:07didn't think the children's program was
31:09a documentary.
31:11I thought that this children's program
31:13that wumble was based on a real mammal.
31:17>> For for example, a bear is a real
31:19mammal, but but yogi bear isn't a fair
31:22representation
31:23>> of his life.
31:25>> You're telling me for his GCSE at age
31:2715, the question was give three examples
31:29of a mammal.
31:30>> Look, this isn't the end of a game show.
31:33It's not like this one's for the GCSE.
31:38>> There were lots of questions. But surely
31:40the question in a GCSE at 50 wouldn't be
31:43give us the example of three mammals.
31:45It's a bit of a basic question.
31:46>> Why do you think that is so easy?
31:47>> It's quite such an intellectual.
31:54>> That's my role on the show.
31:56>> I'm sorry. You could have said cat
31:59dog.
32:00>> That's what any number.
32:02>> Are you stuck for the first
32:05dog?
32:10Why don't you say you could say that you
32:11knew that they were fictional but but
32:13based on a real animal called the
32:15womble.
32:15>> I thought that maybe it was based on the
32:17fact that in real life they made their
32:19burrows from like condoms and
32:23>> reality of course most creatures perish
32:26because of litter things that the
32:28everyday folk leave behind.
32:30So in a way the wombles did a lot of
32:33bad.
32:34>> Are you saying that the wombles message
32:36encouraged people to litter? Yeah,
32:38people sort of said, "Well, maybe I was
32:39going to throw this away properly, but
32:41maybe the wombles can make an extension
32:43out of it."
32:44>> Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly what I'm
32:46saying. I mean, people do dress dogs up
32:49like that these days, and so you you
32:51couldn't be sure. Well, they're possibly
32:53just trained
32:54>> wombles. But these in the story, the
32:58wombles were that wasn't just poor old
33:00bewildered WLE. Someone's put some
33:02glasses on him. He's put his own
33:04glasses. He's gone to the walle
33:06optitionian and said, "Could you fashion
33:08me some reading glasses out of some
33:10stuff that everyday folk have left
33:11around and and they've done that."
33:13>> That's actually not true. He found the
33:15glasses. He found they found
33:16>> he found he found glasses of exactly the
33:18right prescription.
33:21>> There was no evidence that it was the
33:22right there was an episode, wasn't
33:23there, where an old man had died on
33:25Wimbledon.
33:27>> Immediately the wombles are on him. He's
33:31got his medals, his gold watch, his
33:33glasses, his shoes. And there he is
33:35naked.
33:37No dignity. No dignity if the wombles
33:39are around. It's a brilliant program.
33:45>> What do we think, Bill?
33:46>> I think it would be an insult to
33:48Katherine's intelligence to believe that
33:49she wrote that down in an exam.
33:51>> I don't believe it.
33:52>> You don't? You see, I think Go on. What
33:54do you think, though?
33:54>> No, I don't believe it. No, because I
33:57don't because I think that she seems
33:59better educated than that. I mean, I got
34:00kicked out of Scot 15. And
34:02>> why?
34:03>> Because I wasn't very educated and I
34:04didn't really know anything. I couldn't
34:05spell or read. I was doing high kicks
34:06and back bits all the time. They got
34:07bored of me.
34:08>> What did you do when you were expelled?
34:09Did you just run out into the street
34:11singing and dancing and going, "I don't
34:12need this."
34:13>> Yeah. I don't need this. I don't want
34:15this. I can spell. I can't do that. Head
34:17roll.
34:20[Applause]
34:24>> I would say that in the history of this
34:26program, we have never had two such
34:28opposing
34:30as Bill and
34:32>> Well, there we are. Um,
34:35it's time, Lee, to uh make a decision.
34:38Which way are you going to go, Lee?
34:39>> Okay, I'll go with my team and say that
34:41it's not true. Even though my gut is
34:42screaming it's true, I will go with my
34:44team and say it's a lie. Okay,
34:45Katherine, is it a lie or is it true?
34:49>> It is in fact true.
34:56>> Please welcome this week's special
34:58guest, Steve.
35:00[Applause]
35:01[Music]
35:03[Applause]
35:03[Music]
35:09>> So, Terry, what is Steve to you? Uh this
35:12is my mate Steve and uh we were actually
35:15questioned by police who mistook us both
35:18for jewel thieves. Right.
35:20>> That sounds incredibly plausible.
35:22>> Uh Lee, perhaps you'd like to explain
35:25how you know Steve.
35:26>> This is Steve. We own a Greyhound
35:29together that's come last in every race.
35:32>> And finally, Jimmy, what's your
35:34connection with Steve?
35:35>> This is Steve. We were at primary school
35:37together. didn't see each other for 20
35:38years and then met up in a hotel when he
35:41bought me room service.
35:45>> Well, there we are.
35:45>> You call it room service.
35:51>> Which uh which hotel was this, Jimmy?
35:53Where uh
35:54>> it was the Lowry in Manchester.
35:56>> That is a hotel in
35:57>> That is a hotel in Manchester. Yes.
35:58>> He's the night duty manager there. So
36:00he's, you know, he's
36:01>> he knew you were staying in the hotel
36:03and brought your room service up in
36:05order to really your acquaintance.
36:07>> Yes. And I recognized him immediately
36:09and you know,
36:09>> and did you go, "Oh my god, Steve."
36:11>> Yeah. He really hasn't changed that
36:12much.
36:14>> Have you have you remained friends with
36:16him since then?
36:17>> Yeah, I stay in the same hotel quite a
36:18lot when when
36:19>> Oh, so you only see him when he comes to
36:20the hotel?
36:22>> Well, that's fine. He lives in
36:23Manchester. I live in London. So we see
36:24each other.
36:25>> He's not your friend then.
36:26>> What do you want me to do? Take him to
36:27the zoo?
36:28>> No, no, no.
36:32So, and Lee, what's the name? What's the
36:34name of the greyhound you own? It's
36:35>> called Bali Rean.
36:37>> Um, and how many times has Bali Rean
36:39raced?
36:40>> Six times.
36:40>> And has always come last.
36:42>> Always come absolutely last. We put him
36:44in too high grade.
36:45>> And where's where's Bali Rean uh raced?
36:47>> Wimbledon.
36:48>> Right. So, where where does he live?
36:52>> I trained in Wimbledon.
36:53>> So, he lives he lives at uh what?
36:55Kennels in
36:56>> No, he lives at the Trust House 40. What
36:58do you think you
37:01>> dog tracks have adjacent kennels?
37:03>> They do. They
37:05>> lives in the adjacent kennels.
37:06>> The trainers live around
37:09>> dog track now. Dog racing. He knows
37:12everything about it.
37:12>> If there's one thing, listen, if there's
37:14one thing I'm going to always beat David
37:16racing
37:18wants, stir with me with what?
37:21>> Run, you little bastard. I'll see. So,
37:22>> how much is it? How much is
37:25it feeasants? There's no bloody
37:26feeasants.
37:28I don't understand. We'll never catch
37:30the fox at this rate.
37:33>> What are you What are you talking about?
37:35Feeasants, dogs, fox. I mean, what sort
37:38of a managerie do you imagine I would be
37:41imagining?
37:42>> I imagine you would be
37:44>> in my castle with 10 different sorts of
37:46vaguely posh animal all fighting each
37:48other. Then I kill a servant and have
37:49sex with the wall. That's your That's
37:52who you are.
37:56Right. Um, how much does it cost to
38:00kennel balan?
38:02>> It cost £35 a week.
38:04>> So why do you share him a credit crunch?
38:08>> Um, because it was Steve's idea.
38:11>> So Terry, how did you get to know Steve?
38:13>> Just being out and about, you know,
38:15drinking and what have you.
38:16>> So you met him in a pub. He was a
38:17stranger in a pub. You got talking.
38:19You're out out and about, you know,
38:21>> out and about and you met him. out and
38:23about on a friend finding mission.
38:26>> Will you be my friend? Yes.
38:28>> Okay. Can you can you um can you tell us
38:29the actual situation? Why did the police
38:31think that you were a jewel thief?
38:34>> They they just thought we were sort of
38:36dressed like the description of um
38:39>> stripey top.
38:44It was it was in the city center and um
38:47what is it? We're walking down the road.
38:49Next thing you know, these four police
38:51cars pull up and hang on. City center
38:55Manchester pedestrianized. Mate, you
38:56should know that.
38:59>> They pull up in police trams.
39:03So, we walk we were walking down this
39:05road in the city center,
39:08right? And four police cars pulled up,
39:10>> got out and walked
39:11>> and they got they got out and about
39:13three miles
39:16>> and they they and they just said that we
39:18fitted the description of these guys
39:21just carried out a robbery on a jewel on
39:23a jeweler's. Right, we need an answer.
39:26So David's team, uh, is Steve Tererry's
39:29partner in crime, Lee's partner in a
39:32dog, or Jimmy's primary school pal?
39:37Okay. Can I Can I rule Terry out at this
39:40stage?
39:42>> Okay. I'm I'm happy to rule out.
39:44>> Do you think Steve looks too wellgroomed
39:46to be from Manchester?
39:50[Applause]
39:53>> Everyone come.
39:55>> Another thing as well, Lee, I think you
39:57were too successful to have bought half
39:59a dog. I think you just buy your own
40:01Greyhound. Just I think it's Jimmy.
40:03>> You think it's Jimmy?
40:04>> I think it's Greyhound. I think I'm
40:06edging towards Jimmy because I think
40:08Jimmy looked a little bit put upon when
40:11when you were sort of having a go at
40:13what you know what a essentially bad
40:15friend he is.
40:18>> Very well. It's all for a quick sandwich
40:20in a hotel bar, but you know I've got
40:22gigs and stuff. So, isn't it? Yeah.
40:25Catch you next time. I'm passing through
40:27town.
40:29>> So, David, time to decide. Well, I think
40:32we'll go with the majority decision,
40:33which is that we think you're saying
40:34it's Jimmy.
40:35>> Okay. Well, Steve, uh, would you like to
40:38reveal your true identity?
40:40>> Yeah. The truth is, um, me and Terry
40:42were mistaken as jewel thieves.
40:44[Applause]
40:48Yes. Uh, Steve is Terry's mate, and they
40:52were questioned by the police who
40:54mistook them for jewel thieves. Was it a
40:57pedestrianized area?
40:58>> Uh, no. It was in Derby actually, not
41:00Manchester.
41:02>> You liar. No, I just said a city center.
41:05He said Manchester. Thank you very much,
41:08Steve.
41:23Heat. Heat.
41:25[Music]

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