1 Thing You Can Do Today to Be Happier | Sonja Lyubomirsky | TED — Transcript

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1. 0:03I’m a happiness scientist,
2. 0:05and I've been a happiness scientist
3. 0:07for 36 years.
4. 0:09For my entire professional career,
5. 0:10I've been obsessed with learning the secrets
6. 0:13to being a happy person --
7. 0:15with trying to answer the question: Can anyone become happier?
8. 0:19Now how do we even study something like that?
9. 0:22Well, in 1998, my lab pioneered what we call happiness interventions.
10. 0:28Happiness interventions are experiments with human participants.
11. 0:32Over the years, we've done dozens of these experiments,
12. 0:35testing whether practices like expressing gratitude
13. 0:38or doing acts of kindness or simply acting like an extrovert
14. 0:43make people happier.
15. 0:45And they do. Under the right conditions.
16. 0:48My students and I spent decades doing these experiments.
17. 0:52This work made my career,
18. 0:54and yet I realized that I hadn't really been listening
19. 0:57to what the data were trying to tell me.
20. 1:00And then it finally clicked.
21. 1:02It dawned on me that almost all of the interventions that work
22. 1:06to make us happier,
23. 1:07they work precisely because they help us
24. 1:10feel more connected to and loved by others.
25. 1:13So writing a gratitude letter to my mom makes me feel more loved by her.
26. 1:18And doing an act of kindness for my colleague
27. 1:21makes me feel closer to him.
28. 1:23In other words, what I learned is that to be a better happiness scientist,
29. 1:27I had to become a love scientist.
30. 1:30Because, as it turns out,
31. 1:31the key to happiness is feeling connected and loved.
32. 1:37And I know that sounds like a cliché,
33. 1:39but many powerful ideas do once you distill them.
34. 1:42The real challenge and opportunity is how to put it into practice.
35. 1:47So then how do we connect?
36. 1:49Well we can connect through touch or dance or eye contact.
37. 1:54But let's face it,
38. 1:56in Western culture, in many cultures, actually,
39. 1:58we mostly connect by talking.
40. 2:01Yet here's the problem with our social world today.
41. 2:04Even when we're talking, we all have walls around us.
42. 2:08There are walls around our friends, colleagues, neighbors, even family.
43. 2:12We build those walls to protect ourselves,
44. 2:15yet they also keep us from ever really letting anyone in.
45. 2:18They keep us from becoming truly known.
46. 2:22So this is literally my number one happiness tip.
47. 2:25The one thing I wish everybody knew.
48. 2:27We will feel more loved if we become more known,
49. 2:31if we learn to talk to people in a way that takes down the walls between us.
50. 2:36The secret is super simple, yet I think massively profound.
51. 2:40If you do one thing today to be happier,
52. 2:43let it be this.
53. 2:45Approach your next conversation differently from what you've done before.
54. 2:50First, by sharing from the heart.
55. 2:52You take down your walls by sharing something real about yourself,
56. 2:56not just your highlight reel.
57. 2:58Whether with your best friend, colleague or first date,
58. 3:01be brave enough to let others see the real you.
59. 3:05Here's a simple practice.
60. 3:06Start small. Pacing is really important.
61. 3:09So don't immediately share your deepest secret or trauma.
62. 3:12If you go deep too fast,
63. 3:14everyone's walls will come right back up again.
64. 3:16Instead, in the beginning, maybe say something honest,
65. 3:19like "I've had a rough day" instead of "I'm fine."
66. 3:23Recent studies show that people will like you more
67. 3:26when the conversation is deeper, as opposed to shallower.
68. 3:30Two, you help the other person lower their walls when you listen to them
69. 3:36in order to learn, not to respond.
70. 3:39Quiet your voice so theirs can be heard.
71. 3:43So during your next conversation, instead of mentally rehearsing your story,
72. 3:47try to listen like there's going to be a quiz tomorrow.
73. 3:51Furthermore, ask one more question than you’d normally ask,
74. 3:56like: How did that really feel?
75. 3:58Such questions signal that you're right there with them.
76. 4:02When was the last time someone asked you a real question about your life?
77. 4:07It's rare.
78. 4:09Yet research shows that people yearn to be asked,
79. 4:11and those who ask questions are better liked.
80. 4:15And yet, you've probably all had this experience.
81. 4:18Someone talks at you for an hour, tells you their whole life story,
82. 4:21then walks away knowing nothing about you.
83. 4:23Am I right?
84. 4:25That's not what I meant.
85. 4:26Sharing and listening hold hands.
86. 4:29If you only share, it's a monologue.
87. 4:31If you only listen, it's an interview.
88. 4:33But when you do both, that's when the magic happens.
89. 4:38And that's it. It's really that simple.
90. 4:41By sharing a little more and listening a little deeper,
91. 4:45all of us can learn to take the walls down.
92. 4:48If we do, we’ll know one another better.
93. 4:51We’ll feel more loved.
94. 4:53And we’ll help the people in our lives feel more love too.
95. 4:57Thank you.
96. 4:58(Applause)